DID YOU KNOW.... CHIN HAIRS ARE NOTHING BUT STRAY EYELASHES?

Walmarts is trying to give me a stroke.

2012-01-11T14:35:00.000-05:00

Walmarts is not a typo, I live in the South and down here it is definitely Walmarts not sure why but it's been that way since I moved down here boocoo years ago. Yes, boocoo is also a measurement of time in the South but I digress. After watching Morty throw himself down face first in front of his food bowl and sob I figured it was probably time to restock the cat food cabinet. So I jumped in my trusty Honda and headed to Walmarts as there is nothing worse than a whiney cat. While I was there I decided to swing by the "this meat must be used by 4:15 this afternoon or you will die from a horrible disfiguring disease" meat case and see what goodies were ripe (poor choice of words) for the picking. I hit the jackpot! I love those little pork tenderized cube steaks and they had two packages marked down to less than half price. There was a meat department clerk a few feet away and I said, "Excuse me sir, if you have more of these pork cutlets in the back I would like to buy them too." He didn't acknowledge my presence but he did start walking towards the door leading to the storage area. OK, that looks promising so I followed closely behind. Just as he is opening the door another Walmarts employee stopped him, showed him a ham and they both start walking towards the meat case at the far end of the store. Well...maybe there is a customer there who needed something and we are taking a little detour. That's fine, I know I'm not the only customer in the store. Well...guess again. They pick up and put down every ham in the case at least once and I am waiting and waiting AND waiting. The three of us finally start moving back towards the magical doors where my pork cutlets are hiding. The "Ham Man" and I are standing about three feet apart and he also never says a word to me. A few minutes later the meat clerk appears with additional packages of the pork cutlets, hands them to me and again not one word is spoken. I THANK HIM and just as I turn on my heel to leave the "Ham Man" turns and I can read his name tag. Ha! Come on, guess what his job is at Walmarts?? Yep, CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER! I thought my head was going to explode!! Are you kidding me?!? Yep, it's official....Walmarts is trying to give me a stroke.

Kindle Fire

2011-12-03T11:59:00.001-05:00

Me LIKEY! In fact I think I'm in love. It's small, fits in my purse and is extremely fast...much faster than I was expecting. It is strictly wireless and I haven't had it long enough to know if I will miss the 3G but so far I am thinking the wireless is going to work fine for my needs. The 7 inch color screen is easy on my old eyes and I would be a big liar if I said the color wasn't a nice addition. Yes, I was one of those Kindle snobs who looked down on the Nook users and insisted color was not an issue to a real book lover. Yeah, I'm going to be eating those words! The Fire weighs in at 14.6 oz which is a bit heftier (4.4 oz) than my Kindle 2 but the extra weight is negligible even to my old flabby arms. The verdict is still out for me as to whether it will replace my Kindle 2 but since I live at the beach and love to read while baking in the sun (yes, I KNOW it's not good for me but fat definitely looks better brown) I am thinking I will keep my K2 for beach and pool reading because the e-ink on the Kindles makes reading in bright sun a pleasure. There is a definite glare on the Kindle Fire screen but it is easy to adjust the brightness of the back lighting and there is also a nifty feature that allows you to change the page color to a soft beige which made reading kinder to the eyes. It would be nice if the charge lasted longer but all the other nifty features far outweigh the shorter battery life. I have watched several Netflix movies and was very pleasantly surprised that there were no hesitations and of course the clarity was amazing! I love having access to my AOL, Yahoo and RR email accounts and of course Facebook. At $199.00 the Kindle Fire is a bargin! So yes, I love love love THE KINDLE FIRE !

WAY too gullible.

2011-08-09T18:37:00.000-04:00

I live at the beach, I have lots friends who don't, it's summer time...do I have company? What do you think? My friends who are visiting now are more like family and I will hate to see them go. They cook, do laundry, vacuum...I was wrong, they are definitely more like friends than family. Sooo...on Sunday evening we were all hungry and none of us was really in the mood to cook and it was right at dinnertime so all the restaurants were packed. Mike said, "HEY...when we drove into town we came by a great looking little Italian place that says they deliver. I'll order us a pizza." Wonderful! So Mike orders the pizza while Beth and I have a strawberry daiquiri with mooshed up fresh strawberries..yum. I asked Mike where this restaurant is located. He told me the name of the shopping center and I know right where it is but didn't remember any little Italian restaurant in there so I asked him the restaurant name. This is how he pronounced it Doughmeano's. Doughmeano's....hmmm, I drive by there a couple of times a day, how have I missed a new Italian restaurant that delivers?? Imagine my surprise when the doorbell rang 30 minutes later and I say hello to the Domino's delivery boy. Yep, I fell...headfirst.

Some things I like about living in the South...other things, not so much.

2011-08-03T17:30:00.000-04:00

The slower pace, I like the slower pace but it would also be nice to call a repairman and not only have him asnwer the phone but also show up to fix whatever I have managed to break. Oh I don't mean he has to be on time...that is asking way too much. Heck, he doesn't even have to come on the day he says he's coming, just please knock on my door sometime before I buy a new whatever I broke. I don't like mosquito's the size of my head but I love not having to scrape my windshield or shovel the driveway. The fresh fruit and produce are great but I would like to be able to buy Popsicles and not end up with a bag of colored water before I ever get out of the parking lot at the Piggly Wiggly. Yes, nosey britches....I DO still like Popsicles but I can only buy them approximately four months out of the year. I LOVE the Piggly Wiggly! There are lots of good grocery stores but it's just more fun to say Piggly Wiggly than it is Bi-Lo or Kroger. Piggly Wiggly also sells their very own t-shirts with cute sayings and yes nosey britches, I do own several Piggly Wiggly t-shirts. I've never seen a Piggly Wiggly anyplace other than the South..do they have them in other locations? It's hard to picture a NYC woman in stilettos and carrying a briefcase running to The Pig to pick up a case of canning jars which I have done...minus the stilettos and briefcase. Yep, I dig the pig!

Plague! Famine! Pestilence!

2011-08-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

Actually we are all pretty healthy so plague isn't really an issue and if you could see my behind you would know famine is not imminent. Hmmmm, must be pestilence. I already told you about my two weeks in Great Falls, MT at Rodent Ranch but after talking to Eddie this afternoon I found out that she too is trying to relocate a very happy little mouse family in Charlotte, NC. Well, they were probably much happier before Eddie murdered their Uncle Albert. Did you know that if you have a mouse skittering (they all skitter and I HATE things that skitter) behind the compactor just as you happen to turn the compactor on...you will end up with a mouse pancake that begins to smell in about 24 hours? Once you figure out where the smell is coming from you then have to lay flat on your belly, ease the compactor out, use a spatula to pry Uncle Albert away from the wall and then find a pair of tongs to haul Uncle Albert to the trashcan. I am praying that you also throw the spatula and tongs in the trashcan along with Uncle Albert as I don't think I want my over easy egg flipped with Uncle Albert's spatula. You threw the spatula away..right Eddie? Eddie?

FUN Grandma

2011-08-01T23:07:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I get to be FUN GRANDMA and that is the title I like the best. You don't want to brush your hair? No problem, you're going home tomorrow you can brush your hair when you get home. Want to stay up until Midnight and eat popcorn in bed? No problem! Grandma does that 5 nights a week anyway. Before I went to Montana I looked for something special (translation: something Mom would not buy) to take to the kids and of course I went to my trusty friend www.amazon.com . What can I say? I love Amazon! Matthew is 8 years old and still very easy to buy for...Lincoln Logs or Lego's and he is one happy boy. The girls are older now and more challenging to find something they like that doesn't scream...OMG my grandma bought this for me and I have to wear it at least once before she goes home. Soooo....I found an OPI nail polish that was new to me (not exactly a tough assignment) did the magic One Click shopping and hopped on the plane. Well honey, I am THE most popular grandma EVER! This polish is so much fun to use and I think I will have to get some for myself. Ok, here's what you do...polish your nails with your regular polish, let it dry and here is the fun part. After the polish is dry put on a thin layer of the crackle polish and prepare to be amazed. I LOVE this product! We spent a lot of time polishing fingers, toes and trying to figure out how to fold towels with wet nails. Not easy but it can be done. Shhhh...don't tell Avery but grandma got her some too.

It's TOURON TIME!

2011-07-31T13:26:00.000-04:00

For those of you who do not live in a resort area (which is anyone with an ounce of common sense) you may not be familiar with the term...touron. A touron is a moron who happens to be vacation. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE tourists....we need tourists to keep our economy going, they are fun and yes, they are the source of my paycheck. NOBODY needs a touron. Tourons are the ones who suddenly decide that they absolutely positively MUST stop at THIS Eagles which happens to be on the other side of the street and across four lanes of traffic. For those of you who are not familiar with Eagles, they are a beachwear store and can be found approximately every 50 feet in Myrtle Beach. A touron will ask you, "What time is the 11 o'clock dive show?" Tourons want to know what time the beach closes. OH...love this one, "How far above sea level are we?" Uhhhh.....we were standing in the ocean when she asked me that question. A very pleasant couple sat their beach chairs not too far from mine one Sunday afternoon and when they discovered I was a local the husband asked me how long we had been in a drought. I told him it had been several months since we had any measurable rain but we were supposed to have rain for the next two days. His reply was that was good news because they weren't leaving until the weekend and maybe the water level would be back up before they went home. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was low tide.

Livestock

2011-07-29T21:31:00.000-04:00

When I am at the ranch in Montana I expect to deal with livestock....horses, cattle, an occasional jackrabbit and oh yes, there was also Cuddles the pygmy goat that Polly had for about 45 minutes. Apparently Cuddles did a little tap dance on the the hood of Tony's new truck and I was told that Cuddles went to live with a nice family down the road. Quite frankly I have my doubts. I don't want to point any fingers but if Polly offers you a taco just back away and say no thank you. Their house is surrounded on three sides by hay fields which is great until the hay is cut and all the little mousies have to find a new home. This summer all three fields were cut on the same day and my hand to God it looked like something out of a Stephen King movie. Remember Ben..."the rat" movie? I think Michael Jackson sang the theme song. Well, that is exactly what it was like when the hay fields were cut. OMG...mice were EVERYWHERE! I think all the mice lined up at the edge of the yard and their leader (come on, you know there was a leader and I bet his name was Ben) said, "OH..look, there is a pretty log house right over there, let's move in!" And they did. I'm not sure how Tory became the designated mousetrap setter upper AND emptier but she was a trooper. The first night it sounded like a war zone....whap! whap! whap! Of course you always have a "flopper" or two who refuse to die quietly and fling themselves around the room until their last gasp. I am not proud to say this but I put a pillow over my head and was quietly chanting, "Oh PLEASE just die already." On the second night of "the invasion" I sent 8 yr old Matthew upstairs to get his bath. Katy and Sarah were upstairs and said, "Grandma, Matthew wants to take a shower downstairs." Well, OK...whatever. So Matthew comes downstairs and says, "Grandma Katy and Sarah won't let me take a bath." Huh? Sooo....I go upstairs and Sarah is in the bathroom while Katy is guarding the door. "What's up girls? Matthew really wants to take a bath up here." Katy grudgingly opens the door and I see Sarah with a shoebox and a pan lid trying to catch a mouse that has somehow fallen into the jacuzzi tub. Kate looks at me and says, "Oh grandma, if it makes you feel better we will call it a chinchilla." Matthew took a shower downstairs.

Dance Moms

2011-07-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

DANCE MOMS.....after seeing this TV show I felt the need to put the title in caps, italics, underline AND bold . If you haven't come across this show on Lifetime then you really really need to check out the guide and crank up the ole DVR. Let me put it this way, if Hitler decided to open a dance school he would hire Miss Abby to be the instructor. I thought children's dance classes were to develop poise and confidence. Nope, according to Miss Abby IT'S ALL ABOUT WINNING and the scary thing is there are parents paying $20,000 plus per year, per child for lessons, costumes, competition fees and an unlimited amount of verbal abuse from Miss Abby. One of Miss Abby's milder comments to a student was, "Your legs are as straight as Elton John." Oh all right, I thought that was pretty funny. The girls spend hours and hours in the studio, often not getting home until 10pm or later. I have no idea when they have dinner, do homework or have any family time. The "dance moms" appear to be fine with this grueling schedule and they spend hours in the observation area gluing rhinestones on costumes and trash talking each others children as in, "Ha ha ha...look, she fell down!" I swear that mom went to my high school. One good thing came out of watching this show...I have a new mantra! As mom Cathy told 6 year old Vivi, "If you forget what you are doing...just shake your butt!" Well there ya go, feel free to use my new mantra as I can't imagine any situation in life that can't be improved with a butt shake. Lawzamercy.

Wowsers...

2011-07-27T22:38:00.000-04:00

It seems like I'm always on my way to or returning from Great Falls, MT or Charlotte, NC but that is because my grandchildren live there and I have to make regular visits to both places to straighten out their parents. Sure would love to see their parents faces when they read that first sentence. Bahahaha!

Polly and Tony had to be out of town for business and wanted to know if I could come up and stay with the kids while they were gone. Are you kidding? Heck yes! This is the sales pitch I received, "Mom the next two weeks are really light so you and the kids plan on going to the movies, shopping, out to dinner....just do fun things." Cool, I can do fun things. I know Polly, I also know the schedule Polly keeps and why in the world I fell for that sales pitch I will never know. SO...I arrive in Great Falls and as Polly is hustling me to the car in the airport parking lot she is shouting instructions to me over her shoulder about basketball open gym, basketball camp, company coming for dinner, a load or two (HA!) of laundry and picking Sarah up at horse camp. Oh OK, guess the light schedule starts tomorrow. Foolish foolish Grandma. At the end of two weeks the floor of the laundry room was visible, we had been to the grocery store 6 times, took the dog to the groomer, cleaned out the freezer, completed five days of basketball camp, church on Sunday morning AND Wednesday night, worked the rodeo concession stand for 6 events, took Matthew to the Doctor (I said I was sorry and his foot should be fine in another week), put medicine in Luke's (the dog) eye twice a day, tried (unsuccessfully) to save the sod, folded a mountain of clothes and yes, we also remembered to pick Sarah up at horse camp. We did manage to sneak in two movies and one dinner at Macaroni Grill plus a ton of fun and lots of good memories. Oh yes, remind me to tell you about the chinchilla in the bathtub.

My oldest daughter is a rat fink.

2011-02-25T00:39:00.002-05:00

I just returned from visiting Polly and family in Montana and discovered she sent the email below to a few hundred of my closest friends. I refuse to confirm or deny the charges but I will say the side meat really hit the spot.

OK!! I have asked Mother what time does she leave Great Falls at least 4 times in the past week. Not that I want her to leave but because I am trying desperately to keep all my ducks in a row, which any of you that know me,,,,know that can be challenging. Anyway each time I asked her she replies with 4:00. We even commented on the fact how unusual that was, she usually leaves on a morning flight so she can get home earlier so she doesn't have her dear friends at the airport in the wee hours of the morning. WELL, I had to do some work this morning at the office and I thought no big deal I will work for a couple of hours and then go home spend the rest of the afternoon with mom and take her to the airport. I had two kids at home this morning, Sarah who really is sick and napped most of the morning and Matthew who just wanted a free pass since Grandma was here, therefore played "sick", I chose to buy into it. :) I breeze in the door about 11:50 and had this craving for sidemeat, so I get it out of the freezer and set up the frying pan and start dredging sidemeat to fry and mom comes in,,,,,,still in her pj's, hair running amuck and sits down to visit. She says to me, "Hey I have this neat APP on my phone, it automatically pops up with all the flight information for the airports you fly in and out of." She has it on Great Falls airport and sure enough it has all the departing flights listed and what gate they go out of. I replied with, "Wow, that's pretty neat...................what time did you say you fly out?" Janice replies, "4 o'clock", Polly replies, "umm Janice there isn't a 4 o'clock flight.", Janice replies, "O, it might be 4:10 or 4:30, something like that." Polly replies, "Janice there isn't a flight at 4:00 period." Janice then decides to go get her itinerary out of her suitcase, which is not only not packed but looks like it exploded in Sarah's room. Mind you Mom is usually a very neat person at my house, not sure why the suitcase exploded, just thought you would like to know. :) Janice comes back into the kitchen with her itinerary folded and she is looking at it and says, "See right here I leave at 4:07." And then it happens,,,,,, that look,,,,you know the look,,, the one you get when you first realize, " I forgot to pick the kids up at school and I am now 20 minutes late and my little munchkins are sitting on the side of curb sobbing because their mother forgot them,,, look!" I look down at her "folded" itinerary,,,,,,and to Janice's horror she just discovered she leaves out of Denver at 4:07, however once she flipped the "folded itinerary" over she would see that she actually flies out of Great Falls at 1:26. WELL! At this point I am frying a pan of sidemeat, she is still in her pj's, hair running amuck, hasn't brushed her teeth and her suitcase is exploded in Sarah's room and it is 12:26!! OK Great Falls isn't exactly a booming city, we can still make it right!!?? I yell at Grandma to get her pants on, do something with that hair, pack her suitcase and brush those teeth, in the meantime I will finish frying the sidemeat,,,,,,,,,what? We have to eat don't we!! She throws everything together, kisses the kids, grabs a few pieces of sidemeat and out the door we go!! We get to the airport at 12:47, a little frazzled but in time to check her in and get her thru security. We have said our goodbyes and as I am turning to leave I hear her explain to the Security Guard, "I would have been here sooner if my daughter hadn't been late getting me here." GOTTA LOVE HER!

p

If you are going to live in my dumpster...

2011-02-08T16:25:00.004-05:00

there are rules. First of all there will be no slithering or slinking as slithering and slinking make me think you are trying to sneak up on me and run up my pants leg. All movement must be made with purpose but not rushed because rushed makes me think you are running towards me and your main goal is to run up my pants leg. If you have a tail I would prefer that it have hair as hair on the tail means you are a possible pet but no hair on the tail means you are a rodent who with no warning will run up my pants leg. Do you see a theme here? Since moving to the South many years ago I made peace with the fact that I would have to become accustomed to sharing "my space" with new animals that we didn't have when I was growing up in in the big city of Kingman, Indiana. The only animals we had were raccoons, possums, skunks and an occasional black snake. Have you ever seen a skink? Bleeeah....they are a lizard but look and move like a snake. Their favorite habitat is under my pool chair or between me and the mailbox. I still don't know what was in the dumpster the other night. All I know for sure is it was about the size of a possum and squeals when it is scared. Hmmm, that might have been me who squealed. I was definitely the one who wet her pants.

I thought Moms Mabley was dead.

2011-01-29T10:45:00.002-05:00

Surprise! Not only is Moms alive and well but she is working as a gate agent for Delta. Since I live on the East coast and four of my six grandchildren live on the West coast I spend a fair amount of time in airports. During a layover in Atlanta (doesn't matter where you are going there is always a layover in Atlanta) a little old lady who was dressed in navy blue from head to toe, including a stunning navy blue hat pulled down low over her eyes, marched toward the gate desk. The hat was pulled down so low and tight a series of little springy curls had escaped and were hanging on for dear life. At first glance my fellow passengers and I assumed Moms must be in need of assistance but noooo...she moved behind the desk and picked up the microphone. Well, Moms made a lengthy announcement. My fellow travelers and I looked at each other in confusion and we were fairly certain there was a flight delay and possibly a gate change but that was all we were able to decipher from Moms toothless dialog. Bless her heart, after confusing (and entertaining) a tired group of travelers she gathered up her belongings and moved on to her next assignment. Ah yes, gotta love the glamour and excitement of travel.

You're kidding...right??

2010-12-17T15:48:00.004-05:00

I love the symphony. There is something magical about a live performance of any kind but the symphony is special. Well, it used to be special. It was special until I chaperoned a group of seven year old boys...six of them to be exact for an afternoon at the symphony. It was the first really cold day, snowing hard and of course the wind was only slightly below gale force. After loading the boys (why do I always get the boys??) in the trusty Suburban I knew we were in trouble when I glanced in my rear view mirror and all six of them had removed their coats, hats, gloves and were in the process of trading boots. Why? I don't know why....they are boys, they are seven and seven year old boys do things like strip on the way to the symphony. I put my hand to my forehead and muttered my first swear word of the day, the first of many swear words. Of course all the parking spots close to the performance center are taken and we are forced to park in a questionable area between two taverns. Lovely. It takes a few minutes to sort out hats, gloves, coats and boots but after lots of snorts and giggles (the boys) and sweating & tugging (me) everyone has on a hat, coat, boots and at least one glove. I'm sorry you don't have a glove for each hand. Stick your other hand in your pocket and shut up. We walk and walk and when I think the wind could not possibly blow any harder it does a 180 and whips down my neck. Me and my "little gang" finally reach the performance center where they discover (with great delight) the high ceilings of the entry foyer have an awesome echo and the louder you yell the louder the echo. As I looked around the lobby it appeared I was the only chaperone with boys. It seemed to me every other chaperone was there with little girls who were dressed in their finest and patiently waiting to be seated. My group was the one in the middle of the foyer running in circles, yelling whoooo whoooo (remember the echo?) and trying to put boogers in each others hair. We were finally all seated and the conductor made his appearance. It should be against the law for a conductor to wear a hair piece so bad that even seven year old boys snicker. I gave them "the look" and everyone sat back in their seats to enjoy the performance. That lasted halfway through the first piece. One of my gang discovered that if he put his hand in his armpit he could make farting noises in time with the music so of course within 30 seconds I had six boys giggling hysterically and making farting noises in their armpits. I gave up. I was toast. Done. I gathered up my little gang, put hats, coats and gloves back on and worked our way out of the auditorium. There was applause as we were leaving and I really really want to think it was for the symphony.

I'm never going to the optomitrist again.

2010-11-01T19:02:00.002-04:00

What the heck?? I entered my optometrists office a middle aged person and came out 45 minutes later ELDERLY?! I knew my eyes had changed this year so I was not surprised when Dr. J kindly pointed out that it is time for bifocals. FINE...I have heard the horror stories from newly bifocaled friends about raising their foot 3 feet trying to get up on a curb that suddenly appears much higher than it used to be or completely missing a step that they have navigated without incident for the last 10 years. I also knew there have been improvements made with bifocals over the past few years with no lines and being more user friendly. Can't say I was exactly thrilled to hear that I need bifocals but I wasn't completely surprised and figured I should count my blessings as I didn't need any type of glasses until I was 40. Basically I told myself to suck it up Buttercup you are getting older and you need bifocals, big whoop. Well, just as I am picking up my purse and trying to decide if I want cherry amaretto ice cream or pumpkin spice ice cream (as my reward for being good...DUH) Dr J says, "We won't worry about surgery until your exam next year unless you notice a change in your vision." Excuse me? Surgery? ME? I'm having surgery? Apparently the look on my face made it very clear I had nooo idea what she was talking about. Well folks, I have cataracts. Everything on my body is falling into my shoes, turning black or doesn't work anymore so why would I expect my eyes to be any different?? Geesh...I'm going back to the dentist next week and cannot wait to hear what good news he has to share. They don't make false teeth out of wood anymore...do they??

Today..I met the bug man.

2010-07-19T19:31:00.002-04:00

July is always busy at work with tourists and family reunions so it wasn't unusual to have four banquets scheduled for this past weekend. You are probably asking yourself what the heck that has to do with me and the bug man but it actually plays a very important part in our memorable meeting. Working long hours and being charming for hours on end wears me out and I don't bounce back like I did ten years ago. So after working all weekend let's just say I was a little slower than normal on getting out the door for work this morning. I had just gotten out of the shower, towel wrapped around my head and was wearing one of my lovely t-shirts I like to wear to bed. Apparently I was still in the shower when the bug man rang the doorbell so you can imagine his surprise (AND MINE) when I came charging out of the bathroom and almost knocked the poor man down. His doctor tells me that with proper medication and lots of rest he should be able to resume a normal life in less than a year.

amazon.com

2010-07-15T13:42:00.003-04:00

Everybody knows I love love love Amazon. It is the most amazing place in the whole entire world! Don't want to carry those 10 gallon jugs of Tide from the car to the house...NO PROBLEM! Order it on Amazon and UPS will bring it to your front door and if you are real nice the UPS man will even start a load of laundry before he leaves. OK, that last thing about the UPS man is a big lie and truth be told I am willing to bet my UPS man is plotting a way to take my computer away from me so I am back to doing my own shopping at the Piggly Wiggly like the rest of the world. One afternoon last week at work (sorry Peter, yes I sometimes shop when I'm at work but I also take work calls at home so let's not go all nutso here) I had ordered a book for my Kindle and forgot to log out of my Amazon account. Not good. My friend, John, was tipped off by my other friend, Tom, that not only had I not logged off my computer but my Amazon account was still on my screen. YES...I know, DUMB DUMB DUMB. Well...when I came back to work the next morning my computer was all shut down properly and according to the paperwork on my desk...I had done some serious shopping! My friends, John and Tom, placed a small order of things they thought I could use. Did you know you can order a pontoon boat on Amazon? Well, neither did I until I checked the order confirmation. You can also order an anchor, trolling motor, fish finder, drill press and condoms by the case. OH...in case you are interested I have more uses for the anchor than I do that last item. Paybacks are hell boys.

The Ultimate Compliment

2010-07-14T19:46:00.007-04:00

I love fragrances but they have to be light especially during the warm weather which is approximately 51 weeks a year here in SC. Gucci Pour Homme II is my current "go to" fragrance and please don't tell anybody but I'm 99% sure it is a mans cologne. Pffftb....like I care. I also like Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue and Marc Jacobs Cucumber....all nice and airy, not heavy and I know they are women's fragrances because they are in fru fru bottles. Today I received the ULTIMATE compliment from a 4 yr old boy. I was wearing Sugar Lemon by Fresh and quite frankly I thought I smelled pretty darn good. It's hotter than the hinges on the door to hell so I especially like the nice cool lemon smell in this humid weather. A little boy and his mother were waiting in line for an exhibit at work and as I walked by the mother said, "OH...you smell so good, may I ask you what fragrance you are wearing?" I told her Sugar Lemon by Fresh and her little boy said, "I want to smell too!" I am thinking what an adorable child and quickly leaned over for him to sniff my neck. After a deep inhale he said, "OH Mama...you gots to get some of dis fume. Dis lady smells just like Fruit Loops." Thanks a lot kid.

Adding Insult to Injury

2010-07-13T21:15:00.004-04:00

It appears my oldest daughters ranch in MT has become the ultimate destination for unwed kitties. The Mama's are local girls but both Daddy's must be smooth talking traveling salesmen who hit the road once the deed is done. In less than sixty days two Mama kitties have appeared and presented the family with a total of 11 (ELEVEN!) illigitimate babies. Of course the four children think having all these kittens is better than Christmas but Polly & Tony....ummm, not so much. Tragedy struck this past weekend and both Mama kitties disappeared. We don't know if their traveling salesmen boyfriends are back in town or they woke up one morning and decided motherhood just wasn't their bag OR worse case scenario, they were eaten by something bigger. I prefer to think they are just trampy and are out on the town with their traveling salesmen boyfriends. The older batch of six are mature enough to feed themselves (this is starting to sound like a Lifetime movie) but the younger five still need their Mama. This morning it was obvious the five little ones were in trouble and a trip to the vet was on the agenda. After a few sips of formula, water and electrolytes (plus a check for $113.65) the babies were almost as good as new and ready to head home. Polly also found out that she will be feeding the little darlings formula three times a day with an eyedropper followed by canned (GAG) kitty food mixed with formula. OH...after all five kittens have eaten they each have to have their bottom wiped to help prevent constipation. SO, how was your day?

Yep...it's official.

2010-02-01T18:24:00.007-05:00

It's hard to tell from this picture but my head really does look like a Bloomin' Onion. I have thick hair that curls very easily so even though my hair is short every hairdresser I have ever visited feels compelled to give me mall hair. Remember mall hair? Mall hair resembles that yeast bread Lucy and Ethel made on I LOVE LUCY circa 1955. I can see the people in the adjoining chairs eyeballing me as my hair continues to grow as if it had a life of its own. They are probably thinking, "Oh dear God, please don't tell me my hairdresser is doing that to me too." Oh well, it is what it is...I would love to stay and visit but I am off to the shower so I can shrink my head back to normal size.

Whaaat? You got a D in dodgeball???

2010-01-28T17:51:00.004-05:00

OK, one of the granddaughters received (and according to her Mom, earned) a D in dodgeball. Of course I will never ever tell you which granddaughter committed this heinous crime (it wasn't the youngest one) in a million years. In aforementioned granddaughters defense she did earn A's in English, Science, Math, History and Spanish. Even though I found this whole D in dodgeball thang pretty darn funny you have to know I have been forbidden to laugh or even snicker (and it wasn't the one who takes riding lessons) when I am in her presence. Want to hear something else funny? Granddaughters mother is a coach. No, her mother is not the one who gave her the D but her mother is the one who would like to pinch granddaughters little head right off her shoulders. I don't want to say granddaughters life is going to be a little tough (it wasn't the oldest one either) over this next quarter but rumor has it there will be mandatory dodgeball practice every evening. OH...I forgot to mention that Coach Mom decided they will be using bowling balls for practice, just as an extra incentive to move our feet on the court.

We should have seen it coming.

2010-01-24T10:01:00.004-05:00

Poor Cameron, almost seven years ago the entire family was looking forward to his arrival, well almost everybody. Avery (insert spooky music here) his 2 yr old sister was blissfully happy being an only child and really did not see the need for a baby brother. When Cameron made his appearance Avery did the obligatory kiss the new baby on the cheek photos but you could tell her heart just wasn't in this whole share the spotlight thang. Our suspicions were confirmed a few weeks later when Cameron was laying on the floor next to Eddie while she was folding clothes. Eddie looked up just in time to see Avery heading towards Cameron with an uplifted wooden spoon. Now we don't know for sure she was going to pummel her new baby brother with the spoon. In fact she may have been on her way to the kitchen to stir up a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Then there was the time Eddie was emptying the dishwasher and when she turned around to check on Cameron he had a dirty face, like he had been eating an Oreo. However, there wasn't an Oreo in the house and after investigating a little further Eddie found a spoon next to a potted plant, a pile of soil and a suspiciously dirty older sister. Yes, his big sister had fed him dirt from the potted plants. As they became older Cameron learned to hold his own and Avery learned having a brother is not all bad. Now they are actually friends...sometimes. This brings us to Cameron's latest injury. Avery had a pair of very heavy binoculars around her neck and as Cameron stood up, she leaned over and bonked Cameron right square in the forehead resulting in lots of tears (Avery and Cameron) a pool of blood (Cameron) and a trip to the ER. Cameron, we are sorry, we should have seen it coming.

When my time comes...

2010-01-23T10:48:00.000-05:00

just take me down to the pier or put me in a leaky canoe pointed towards Cuba. I swear every old crotchety person in NC and SC has crossed my path this past week and some of them I had the pleasure of dealing with twice. I'm pretty sure I'm not a miserable person to be around now and I feel certain that if I start leaning that way Polly and Eddie will smack me. Hard. Probably more than once. This is the height of family reunion planning and site visits so my days have been back to back appointments which is great except I am running out of ways to show excitement when fried chicken is mentioned. I would like to meet the genius who made it mandatory to serve fried chicken at every southern family function. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE fried chicken but during the summer months we host so many family reunions that there isn't a live chicken within 50 miles of Myrtle Beach and honey that's a buttload of chicken. I met with two couples in their 80's this week who were planning their families 100th reunion and they were absolutely delightful. Two sisters married two brothers and they had lived within one mile of each other their entire lives. I seriously doubt if they had more than two nickels to rub together but I have never met four more pleasant or content people. That's who I want to be when I'm their age and yes, they chose fried chicken but for some reason I didn't mind one little bit.

The ever elusive blue footed booby bird.

2010-01-21T18:57:00.003-05:00

I am very fortunate to have a group of friends who love to travel as much as I do and every January we go someplace tropical together. Sometimes we go on a cruise or rent a house but this year we decided to try an all inclusive resort in Jamaica. It was 15 degrees when we flew out of Charlotte, NC but when we landed in Montego Bay it was over 80 wonderful degrees. We were all wearing jackets and sweatshirts so by the time we got to baggage claim clothes were coming off and we were beginning to look like we were headed to a nudist convention. Gotta tell ya, it wasn't pretty. This was our first time to stay at Riu's and while we plan to go back I have a sneaking suspicion they have our pictures posted in the lobby with big red X's across our faces. I always thought I just didn't care for alcohol but it turns out I'm just cheap. When alcohol is included in the price I can flat out knock them back with the best of them and I ALMOST kept up with TommyB. I would like to take this time to apologize to all the Montegobayites as I do believe I depleted the entire island of Jamaican Rum Creame. Chris, Doug, TommyB and I were lounging by the pool (sipping cocktails..duh) and enjoying the sun when TommyB sat up and yelled, "LOOK...there is a blue footed booby bird!" Chris and I opened one eye and said, "Yeah right." TommyB is famous for making things up and we weren't falling for this one. He insisted he had seen a blue footed booby bird and we continued to ignore him. Finally Chris and I decided to call his bluff and I sent an email to our friend (and IT specialist) Karl to please google blue footed booby bird and send us a picture of this mythical creature fully expecting to prove TommyB wrong. Well, the picture is above and yes TommyB, you are right.... there really is a blue footed booby bird. Wow, it hardly hurt at all to say TommyB was right but it did taste like a mouth full of vinegar.

Me and plastic surgery...not so much.

2009-12-13T13:20:00.002-05:00

About the same time I received my AARP card bookoo years ago I also started receiving invitations to plastic surgery seminars. For the first few years I gave them a glance and pitched them in the trash. However, this past year they have started to hold my interest...especially the ones that include a nice lunch or dinner. My friend Rebecca and I received another invitation this week that included lunch at an especially nice restaurant that we have been wanting to try so we decided what the heck, we are curious AND hungry so let's see what they have to say. Somewhere along lifes pathway Rebecca has developed a turkey neck and not only are my eyes sliding off my face but I have grown bat wings. You know...bat wings? That is what slaps you in the face when you are brushing your teeth. Rebecca and I arrived early and sat in the parking lot to survey the other attendees just to make sure we weren't the oldest saggiest people. Well honey, after about five minutes of people watching we were starting to feel like Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley in their heyday. Boy howdy, there was a whole lotta loose skin heading towards that meeting room. We registered and choose our seats carefully. Close enough to see but far enough away that we could still make fun of people without causing too much of a scene. It didn't take long for the entertainment to start. This sweet lady who appeared to be about 93 sat next to me and we all introduced ourselves. After chatting for awhile she announced that she is 64 which made me want to whip out my mirror as that old crone is only four years older than me! She also told us that she had just paid $4,000 for a non-surgical face lift and Rebecca and I were speechless. I know, hard to believe. My hand to God that woman's face looked like a piece of crumpled paper. Rebecca recovered first and asked her what type of procedure she had done and she told us it involved a peel, moisturizers and heat. Unfortunately I recovered my sense of speech at that time and before my good manners could kick in I said, "Well, how about next time I slather you with Vicks, throw a heating pad on your face and I'll only charge you $2,000." It was right about then that Rebecca's foot connected with my shin. It hurt too. We had a lovely lunch met several very interesting people and I came to the conclusion that until they come up with a way to put a knob on the back of my head that I can turn to tighten everything up I am content with my well earned wrinkles and bat wings.

Bacardi Rum Cake, or as Avery calls it...

2009-12-08T17:59:00.004-05:00

"Grandma! Why does your cake burn my mouth!" No, I am not in the habit of giving alcohol to children and when I make a rum cake I have a regular cake or cookies on hand for the kids. However, this was Christmas Day when the kitchen was full of people and Avery happened to get the wrong cake...but boy howdy, she sure took a good nap! Oh I'm kidding but it is a good idea. This is the original Bacardi Rum Cake recipe that I have been making since the 70's and I think it's the most moist cake I've ever eaten. It ships well and is even better the second or third day if you are lucky enough to have any left over. Enjoy!

BACARDI RUM CAKE WITH A BUTTER RUM GLAZE
1 Cup Chopped Pecans
1 Box Cake Mix-18 1/2 oz (Yellow or Butter Pecan)
1 Box Instant Pudding-4 oz (Vanilla or Butterscotch)
4 Eggs
1/2 Cup Cold Milk
1/2 Cup Water
1/2 Cup Bacardi Dark Rum

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. Spray a 12 cup Bundt pan liberally with Pam. Sprinkle nuts on the bottom of the pan. Combine all cake ingredients and mix on high for two minutes. Pour into prepared pan and bake for one hour.

GLAZE
1/2 Cup Butter
1/4 Cup Water
1 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Bacardi Dark Rum

Melt butter in saucepan. Stir in water and sugar. Boil for five minutes stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in rum. The rum will steam so be careful!
Pierce the hot cake (still in the pan) with a wooden skewer and slowly pour glaze over cake. Allow cake to cool in pan to absorb the glaze. After cake has cooled invert pan onto cake plate and prepare to receive many compliments.

We lost a member of the family.

2009-12-02T15:25:00.004-05:00

Oh, we knew the day was coming because no matter how much we wish it wasn't true... ponies do not live forever. Well, our heads know they don't live forever but our hearts counted on a different outcome. Cocoa was twenty-seven when he joined our family twelve years ago and we couldn't have asked for a sweeter or more patient pony. Tory was all of three years old the first time she and Cocoa met and it wasn't long before they were quite the couple. If you have spent any time around ponies you already know 99.9% of them are mean as a snake but Cocoa apparently didn't know he was supposed to be disagreeable. Katy was next in line for Cocoa and while I don't know this for a fact I am willing to bet Cocoa was very pleased when Miss Kate advanced to a horse. We love Kate but she has one speed and it's wide open. Poor ole Cocoa was more of a moseyier than a trotter and Kate wants no part of mosey. Picture Danika Kirkpatrick on horseback and that's our Kate. Then we have Sarah Elizabeth...the jumper. Coco's legs were not exactly long but Sarah was determined to make Coco a jumper and jump he did. OK, it was only the dry stream bed in the pasture but bless Cocoa's heart he gave it his all and made one little girl very proud when he managed to clear that ditch. Sarah is six years older than Matthew so Cocoa had a well deserved break before he was back in the riding business with one determined little boy who still has no idea he isn't just as big as his older sisters. Matthew is six and not quite ready for a horse but it was becoming obvious over the past few months that Cocoa was feeling his age. Instead of working to keep Cocoa's weight down it became a battle to keep his weight from dropping. Cocoa's feet started to bother him and the farrier suggested orthopedic shoes. They helped but you could tell they didn't solve the problem. Polly said as much as those shoes cost they should have been Manolo Blahnik strappy sandals but I think they were just regular old horse shoes with extra support. This fall Cocoa's weight continued to drop and Polly put him in a pen by himself so he wouldn't have to compete for his food but even that didn't help and Cocoa continued to go downhill. On a cold, windy Sunday morning Polly went out to check on Cocoa before they left for church. He ate a small amount of grain from her hand but it was obvious he was in pain and exhausted. Polly went inside to tell Tony it was time and please ask the vet to come out in the morning. After church Polly, Tony and all four kids bundled up to go back out to the barn and say their goodbyes to Cocoa but it was too late. Like all true gentlemen Cocoa knew when it was time to make his exit and he had passed away peacefully shortly after Polly's early morning visit. Polly was so thankful she had taken the time to scratch Cocoa's ears and feed him his favorite treat that one last time. Cocoa is buried at the ranch which is just as it should be because he is family and families should be together.

Me and my mouth.

2009-11-30T21:05:00.003-05:00

I really didn't mean to embarrass myself or the poor businessman behind me in the security line in Charlotte. It all started very innocently and I had no intention of discussing anyone's undergarments and certainly not the undergarments of a perfect stranger. In retrospect it was not my fault and I know the chances of TSA taking any of the blame is slim to none but I do feel better letting them know that they need to share some responsibility. I mean really...one person tried one time to hide a match in his shoe so from this day forward EVERY person going through any airport must do so barefooted?? OK, here is what happened. The nice businessman and I were chatting in the security line while waiting our turn talking about how full the flights have been, why do we travel on the busiest weekend of the year...you know, stranger chat. I made it through first and was trying to bend over and tie my tennis shoes without passing out from lack of oxygen when I became aware of a disturbance. Nothing major but the poor businessman's carry on bag had tipped over and his possessions were scattered on the belt and and moving quickly beyond his reach. Did I just finish tying my shoes and let TSA handle the scattered items? OH nooooo...not me! I grabbed a book and a hair bursh before they hit the floor and here is where it becomes a little dicey. He thanked me and started to walk away when I noticed he had forgotten several items at the bottom of his gray bin and this is what I said. "Oh wait Sir...you forgot your unnerwares!" Unnerwares?? I said unnerwares to a perfect stranger?? Don't you just know that little gem was shared at his Thanksgiving table and here is a big thank you to TSA for not making us wear nametags. Lawz a mercy, unnerwares?? Arrg!

My Kindle Marketing Plan

2009-11-30T20:20:00.006-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that Amazon needs me...bad. I bought a Kindle2 earlier this year and don't plan to buy a DTB (dead tree book) ever again. Yeah well, we won't go into the list of my previous declarations but I do love my K2. I discovered early on that if I am out in public all I have to do is open my K2 and all of a sudden I am everybody's newest bestest friend which is great unless you really want to read or your doctor is more interested in discussing the Kindle than why your cholesterol won't go down no matter how much flippin' oatmeal you eat or miles you walk. The conversation usually goes like this: "I hate to bother you...BUT is that a Kindle?" "Do you like it?" "Do you miss the feel of a book?" You can tell they are just dying to get their hands on my Kindle and see how it works soooo once again I do Amazon's work for them and sell another Kindle2. Have I received even a thank you note from Amazon? Noooooo! Not even a phone call on my birthday. OK, here is my plan. All I have to do is buy another K2. I will leave it in the original packaging and use mine as a demo which I do already so no biggie. I figure by the time I finish my sales pitch and my newest bestest friend is in a K2 purchase frenzy I can whip out the new K2 and sell it right there on the spot. I was on four flights over the Thanksgiving holiday and seriously...I could have sold at least two K2's. Well, I have to go now as I just know Jeff Bezo's is trying to reach me.

Grey Gardens

2009-05-06T17:21:00.010-04:00

Have you seen the HBO movie based on Jackie O's Aunt Edith? If you haven't I certainly recommend you do so at the first opportunity. There is also a 1975 documentary, with the same title, that is supposed to be excellent but I haven't been able to locate a copy that doesn't break my budget. Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore play the mother daughter duo in the HBO version and if you ever need an inspiration to clean house then honey, this is the film for you. WOWSER...my new rule of thumb for a deep clean is "if there are more than five raccoons peeking through the dining room ceiling" then it's time to haul out the Dyson. These two women ended up living with an entire raccoon family as well as more than 80 cats who couldn't find a litter box with the help of an Eagle Scout, a flashlight and a map. I made the mistake of watching this film when I was flat on my back in bed with a temp of 101 and a rattly chest that sounded just like wet wood burning in the fireplace. There were used tissues on my nightstand, bed and yes...on the floor. At least four half filled glasses sat beside me, the Sunday paper scattered on the bed and floor but here is the part that shook me to the core. There were two cats sleeping comfortably at my feet which means I am only 78 cats away from eviction. Seriously, great film but I advise you to clean house BEFORE you watch.

Pneumonia...the sequel.

2009-05-04T19:01:00.007-04:00

YES...I am sick again which equals the same level of surprise as reading TMZ and learning that Amy Winehouse is in rehab. When God was handing out respiratory systems I must have gotten in the line labeled PLEASANT PERSONALITY, LIKES SMALL CHILDREN, BIG BUTTS & CRAPPY RESPIRATORY SYSTEM. The Sprite Zero was on empty yesterday afternoon so on the way home from my umpteenth chest x-ray I made an emergency stop at the local grocery store. The good news is I had showered and shampooed so I was at least clean but that was pretty much all I had done. What I am trying to tell you is I wish I looked as good as Amy Winehouse. There were lines at all four registers...total of 24 registers but only 4 with cashiers. However, I made an amazing discovery. All I had to do was cough and the person in front of me offered to let me go ahead of them. What do you want to bet that before my key was in the ignition that entire store was hosed down in Purell. Hate to brag but I do have a pretty amazing cough.

Swiss Steak makes your floor shiney.

2009-04-25T09:22:00.005-04:00

Polly is visiting for a few days and I am LOVING having her here! She is going to NC to attend a funeral and since TSA won't let me bring more than 2 oz of my favorite moisturizer I am guessing they would have a real hissy fit if she tried to fly with the traditional homemade funeral food that is required of any Southern mourner. So being the good Mama that I am, I baked a butter pecan (yes with lots of real butter and pecans) and enough swiss steak to feed all of Harnett County. This is my Mama's recipe for swiss steak so you know it is good. I made mashed potatoes (also with LOTS of real butter) because it is a sin to eat swiss steak without mashed potatoes. The cake was cooling on the counter and I was busy wrapping the pan of swiss steak to go in the refrigerator for it's trip to NC. Just as I was carefully placing the pan on the bottom shelf of the fridge the swiss steak shifted, flipped out of my hands and landed on the floor. The glass dish broke to smitherines, gravy ran underneath the refrigerater and I said a whole bunch of very bad words. Two rolls of paper towels and a cut finger later the floor was really really clean and shiney. There was nothing left for me to do but sit down and eat a whole bowl of mashed potatoes with real butter, so I did.

GRANDMA WALKER'S SWISS STEAK

Cube Steak (I use 2 medium pieces per person)
Canned Whole Tomatoes (drained, reserve juice)
Sliced Onion
2 Envelopes Brown Gravy Mix
Oil, Heavy Skillet
9 by 13 pan

Heat approximately 1/2 inch of oil in a heavy skillet and while the oil is getting hot Pam the 9 by 13 pan or whatever baking container you plan to use. When the oil is hot quickly brown the cube steak. Make sure the oil is really hot and all you have to do is a quick flip as this step is strictly for appearance. Don't tell Grandma Walker but I have been known to skip the browning step and it does not affect the taste one bit, just turn down the lights because the swiss steak isn't as pretty. Place the first layer of cube steak in your baking dish and top with a sliced onion and a whole tomato. Continue layering (if you have a large family) but don't forget to leave room for the gravy and meat juices. Mix the two envelopes of brown gravy mix with 1 cup of the reserved tomato juice and pour over the top of the cube steak. Add water if you don't have a full cup of juice. Cover your baking dish and bake at 275 for 6 to 8 hrs. You can throw yours under the refrigerator like I did but I really don't reccomend it.

It must be Spring!

2009-03-17T14:04:00.003-04:00

It's cloudy, gray and raining but I have seen the first sign of Spring. I stopped at the local grocery store on my way home from work and there were six boys (OK, they were probably seniors in college but when you hit my age anyone under 40 is a child) filling their cart with beer and potato chips. If that doesn't say Spring is here I will eat my belly button ring. Oh get real, you know I'm kidding about the belly button ring. Heck, if I had one it would be the size of a dinner plate and that brings us back to Grandma's saying, "If it ain't purty, don't put it on the front porch." Do you even wonder who came up with the idea of belly button rings? I think it must have been some old jewelry maker who somehow got stuck with a gazillion unmatched earrings and spent weeks pondering how in the world he was going to unload all that unmatched jewelry. I do not want or need a belly button ring but I would be willing to give up a months paychecks to hear the sales pitch he gave to make that first sale!

One box, one cat and thousands of styrofoam pellets.

2009-02-14T11:04:00.005-05:00

Polly makes the best homemade jelly and I put it on everything but prime rib and collards. My friend Debi says her husband Sid has two kinds of jelly. The "everyday" jelly from the grocery store and Polly's raspberry jelly which is only used on weekends or special occasions. Have you figured out we like Polly's homemade jelly? We have been out for quite some time and FINALLY...a new box of jelly arrived on Friday. After making sure each jar was intact I set the box filled with styrofoam pellets on the floor and went out to dinner with friends. We had a great time, lots of laughs happy hour prices were still on which means dirty martini's were only $2.50 so you know we had a very good time. I came back home about 8 PM and thought it was odd that Morty didn't greet me at the front door. The only time Ginglebelle greets me at the door is if my hands are full and she thinks she has a chance of sneaking out between my feet. I called his name and no Morty. Filled his food dish and still no Morty. Just as I got out of the shower something with a tail and four legs came slinking into the bedroom. Well, apparently while I was out Morty found the box of styrofoam pellets and turned it into his personal playground. I also discovered Morty has static cling issues. The only visible fur on poor Morty was the tip of his tail...everything else was pink styrofoam pellets. Never a dull moment and yes, the pellets have been recycled. Sorry Morty.

Poor Deprived Grandchild

2009-02-05T20:36:00.003-05:00

It's a well known fact that I am not a shopper. Don't get me wrong...you all know I LOVE the As Seen On TV products and Amazon has been known to call and see if I'm OK if I'm not on their site at least once a day but go to the mall and spend the afternoon shopping? No way, I would rather poke myself in the eye with a fork. Apparently my aversion to mall shopping gene has been passed to my oldest child. Polly needed to pick up a few things for a trip they have coming up so she and 5 yr old Matthew made the dreaded trip to their local mall. They walked in, Matthew looked around and said, "MAMA! Why haven't we been here before??" My family is so cosmopolitan.

Cremation

2009-02-04T08:05:00.003-05:00

I love commercials and advertisements. There is a radio commercial about cremation running in my area that makes me chuckle every time it plays. Oh you already know I'm not quite right so you can't be too surprised I think a commercial about cremation is funny. The spokesman has a deep calm voice and after he has spent 45 seconds talking about tradition, funerals, cremation and family he ends the commercial with...choose cremation when the time is right. Well DUH...if the time was wrong wouldn't the person still be alive and I am guessing pretty ticked off.

Uterus...or a gumball machine??

2009-02-02T20:15:00.005-05:00

I don't know about you but I have to question the ethics of a Doctor who is willing to implant eight embryos into an unmarried, unemployed mother of six children all under the age of seven. Part of me wants to say it's her body, her business and her choice. Then reality sets in and I have to wonder who is financing this circus act and unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I already know who is paying the bill. I also worry about what kind of life is in store for those fourteen children. Thinking back to the days when we had three children under the age of five, it was no walk in the park even with two parents. Dave and I made a pact that whoever asked for a divorce had to take the kids so of course that ensured we would be together for at least 20 years and at the end of twenty years we were too tired to get a divorce. Our children weren't bad or mean but oh my lawz a mercy they were busy and worked as a team. Eddie was the youngest which explains why she was the one who was dropped down the laundry chute. Polly and Bud were very thoughtful and not only did they pile dirty clothes (never in short supply) under the chute but they did a test run on the dog first. Now that is love. Back to the eight embryos, I guess my opinion is just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Super Bowl Sunday!

2009-02-01T13:10:00.004-05:00

I love the parties, love the team rivalry, love the menu but watch the game??? Never in a million years. Oh I usually try to catch the last 15 minutes but even that doesn't happen every year and guess what...ESPN will show me every thing that actually happened, should have happened and what will never happen again. I do enjoy the commercials but thanks to the internet I can still see them and not have to suffer through 17 hrs (seems like) of sweaty overweight men in tight pants. Heck, I can go to Wal-Marts and see that any day of the week. Even the half time entertainment will be featured for weeks and I don't know about you but I have seen about all I care to see of Janet Jackson's boob AND her boob ornament. Until the "malfunction" I didn't even know you could buy ornaments for boobs and if I had been forced to guess I would have said some kind of little fur hat certainly not a cold piece of metal. The only reason I can possibly think of to watch the game this year is to see how the heck a baseball team made it to the Super Bowl.

Nose Pickers

2009-01-30T07:53:00.003-05:00

Do people think they are invisible when they are in a vehicle? I was sitting at a red light and happened to glance at the car in the next lane. My hand to God..A GROWN man had his index finger buried to the second knuckle. If he's doing that in public...wonder what he's doing in the privacy of his own home?

New Driver Alert

2009-01-26T15:24:00.004-05:00

Tory has her drivers license and I really don't know how this happened. In my eyes she is still four years old and thinks I can blow on traffic lights and make them turn green. Children getting their drivers license causes so many mixed feelings for parents. First there is excitement in the possibility that MAYBE you can actually finish cooking dinner at least one night without stopping midway to pick someone up from basketball practice. Excited is quickly followed by pain and a few tears when you receive the first insurance bill. Pain and excitement are soon replaced by reality when you realize that yes, your child is growing up but if you have to remind them more than 18 times to slow down during a five mile trip perhaps they are not quite ready to drive alone or worse, with friends. Soooo...with all this being said Polly is on her way to the school gym to coach the middle school boys basketball practice and she receives a phone call from our new driver. "Mom, I have a great idea." "Hunter and I want to go to the boys soccer game and since I can drive we will wait for you here at school and I can drive us to the game." Polly explains to Tory that she really doesn't think Tory is ready to drive with anyone else in the car quite yet. Conversation over. Two minutes later the phone rings again..guess who. "Mom, I promise Hunter and I will go straight there and come straight back to the school and I will be careful." Again Polly says no but explains that she will be happy to take Tory and Hunter to the soccer game. Two minutes later, phone rings..."Mom, you know I am responsible and you trust me to babysit Matthew so I don't understand why I can't drive to the game." Once again Polly told her no and don't ask again. Two minutes later the phone rings and Tory says, "Mom, is Dad with you or is he at the office?" If you have children I am willing to bet you know where this conversation went and no, Tory didn't drive that night and I'm not sure she will be allowed to drive before 2021.

Read the instructions first...ya big dummy.

2009-01-25T16:06:00.002-05:00

You already know I am a huge fan of AS SEEN ON TV products. Some people collect Precious Moments, some people bake and some of us sit around with a credit card in our hand just waiting for that next exciting new invention...like ShamWow or The Pocket Fisherman. Yes, I own both of those items but they do not compare to my latest purchase, Smooth Away or as I like to call it..READ THE INSTRUCTIONS FIRST YA BIG DUMMY OR YOUR FACE WILL LOOK LIKE A HUNK OF HAMBURGER. The instructions are very clear, the product works great but if you don't read the instructions first prepare to spend a week like I just did with your face doused in Ponds Cold Cream 24 hrs a day. The Smooth Away comes in two sizes. The larger pads are for your arms and legs and the smaller pads are for your face unless you are like me and don't read the directions but decide that since you are in a hurry you will give your face a few good swipes with the large pad and call it a day. My face looked like I live on the sun and oh my gosh...P-A-I-N. Nothing soothed the discomfort except Ponds Cold Cream and everybody at work thought I was applying to clown college. Bottom line, read the instructions, FOLLOW the instructions and you will love your Smooth Away. I should be able to blink by Thursday.

New Yeas Eve....Bleah!

2009-01-01T22:13:00.003-05:00

New Year's Eve has never been my favorite holiday but I do enjoy dinner with friends, maybe a movie and then safely home before the drunks leave the bars and hit the roads. Well, isn't that a pretty picture? Rosemary, TommyB and I met good friends, Tom & Janie, for dinner at a new Italian restaurant here in town and we had a great time. The restaurant was slam packed full and our 8pm reservation didn't happen until 8:45pm but the food made the wait worthwhile. Each course was wonderful and the bread was out of this world. Of course it probably didn't hurt any that we were all starving and almost had a fistfight over one fuzzy Tic Tac I found in the bottom of my purse while we were waiting for a table. I was the designated driver but not drinking could hardly be called a sacrafice as I very seldom drink anyway. We had to laugh when the waitress brought Rosemary her scotch and soda. Oh, it was the proper mix, just the right amount of ice but it was in a wine glass as the bar was out of cocktail glasses. Anyway, it was a very pleasant evening and the only drunks we encountered were in my backseat on their way home.

Old age is middle school with walkers.

2008-12-31T15:20:00.005-05:00

The last of the holiday teas was at 1pm today and I feel certain I can speak for everyone in the catering department when I say THANK YOU JESUS! I think 13 yr old girls were put on this earth to torture their parents with their eye rolling, smart remarks and funky wardrobe choices but I have met that 13 yr old girls match and she is riding a bus with her Medicare Card carrying gang. There is always one little old dried up man traveling with at least 40 widowed women and for that three day bus trip he is living the life of Hugh Hefner. His every need is anticipated by his harem as they elbow each other out of the way for the seat of honor...right next to Hef. To you and I, Hef bears a striking resemblance to an apple head doll I had when I was six years old but maybe dentures and humps are an aphrodisiac when combined with diesel fumes. Oh well, I am fast approaching that age so I guess I will get back with ya on that one.

Oh man, another haircut.

2008-12-30T12:05:00.004-05:00

Well, actually all I needed was a trim. Not even a trim just thinned. You will be happy to know that I do not look like a lesbian golfer but on the other hand I'm not sure I wanted my head to look like a button mushroom either. This is not rocket science folks and I promise you I'm not difficult when it comes to haircuts but there is something about my head, hair texture or the diminishing ozone layer that screams to anyone with a pair of scissors in their hand that this woman NEEDS TO BE AN OBJECT OF RIDICULE.

NO MORE EGGNOG or why I hate to see the holidays end.

2008-12-29T18:50:00.002-05:00

I have given my Keurig coffee maker a real workout this fall and winter but my favorite has to be eggnog lattes. I warm the eggnog in the microwave while the Keurig is working its magic with the little k-cup and ta da! I have an eggnog latte in less than 2 minutes. Of course if eggnog happened to be available year round my rear end would require it's own zip code.

Miss Avery And The Two Wise Men...FORE!

2008-12-18T14:12:00.007-05:00

When Avery was 4 she and her friend Lilly were helping Eddie decorate for Christmas. Eddie was putting out the candles, centerpieces and all the little special things that make a house a home during the holidays. Avery and Lilly helped until they found the manger scene and this is what we learned:

Avery: Look Lilly...there is Baby Jesus.
Lilly: Who is that next to Jesus?
Avery: Oh, that's Jesus's Daddy. His name is Joseph.
Lilly: I bet that is Jesus's Mama, Mary.
Avery: Yes, that is Mary.
Lilly: Who are those guys over in the corner?
Avery: I don't know who the two short ones are but the tall brown one is Tiger Woods.

And all this time we thought Tiger Woods was just a golfer.

Dare I say the word??? R-E-C-E-S-S-I-O-N

2008-12-15T18:35:00.004-05:00

For most of my life I have been merrily skipping down the candy cane lined path in Jannyland where the sun always shines, blue birds fly overhead and money magically appears in my checking account. Not so much anymore as I am afraid the R word has invaded the peaceful happy valley of Jannyland...and it's tickin' me off. After watching my 401k and stock account rapidly dwindle from happy days are here again to oh my God if I retire I will have to live in a Westinghouse box under the overpass I finally decided to become more proactive. So far this month I have canceled the daily paper, had the house phone removed and dropped the premium cable channels.Those three little changes amount to well over $100 a month and have been relatively painless since I read the paper online, work pays for my cell phone and basic cable is included in the monthly HOA fees. I have done the easy ones so now it's time to start looking at the more painful changes that need to be made and I need your help. Tell me what you are doing and if you say nothing don't be surprised if some old fat woman shows up on your doorstep and pinches your head right off our shoulders.

The Company Christmas Party...or how to end your career in less than three hours.

2008-12-12T07:00:00.000-05:00

It's always fun to spend an evening with a group of folks who plan meetings and parties for a living as it never takes very long for the horror stories to start rolling. First of all you need to know that only one of these stories happened where I work and I'm not going to tell you which one because....well, because I have no desire to move.

The president of the company was trying to be cost conscious and eliminated the hors d' oeuvres during cocktails. Not necessarily a bad thing since they only had 30 minutes of open bar before they were having a lovely four course dinner. However, it became a problem when one of their VP's was held up at the airport and they decided to extend cocktails until the VP arrived. About halfway through the second hour of cocktails with no food the very drunk wife of the company president threw up in the punch bowl.

You would think it's usually the young inexperienced folks who find themselves in trouble at company parties but that is sooo not true. This company arranged for valet parking, a coat check room, a piano bar during cocktails and a six piece band with two vocalists for dancing after dinner. The age 60+ wife of one of the board of directors decided she didn't like what the band was playing and instead of requesting a different selection she took a swing at the sax player, split his lip and started a minor brawl ending with her screaming and swearing at her husband and the band walking out three hours early.

This group had a very formal evening planned with a harpist playing in the background and an amazing menu with several different wines for each course. About halfway through the marathon dinner one of the wives became very intoxicated, passed out face first into her plate and somehow managed to set her hairpiece on fire with the candle in the centerpiece.

My friends these stories are my Christmas gift to you. No matter what you do at your company party there is an excellent chance it won't be as embarassing as throwing up in the punch bowl, starting a brawl or my personal favorite...setting yourself on fire.

Hellloooo...it's me, the big whiner.

2008-12-11T23:17:00.001-05:00

This post is going to make a few of you want to reach out in cyperspace and pinch my head right off my shoulders and I completely understand. I used to live in the land of blowing snow, cold feet and no sign of spring for months so I understand your frustration. Really, I do but hear me out. When we moved South over 10 years ago I was all excited to be away from frozen pipes and high heat bills but it only took a year to two for me to figure out that all I had done was trade high heat bills for HIGHER air conditioning bills and blisters when you touch a black steering wheel in July. I have never claimed to be bright and give me some credit because like I said...I did eventually figure it out. So here it is, the middle of December and I had to turn the AC on this evening. The temperature was only in the mid 70's but good gracious almighty the humidity had to be at least 1,000%. Poor Morty was on his belly, splayed out on the tile floor and BEGGING me to turn on the air. His eyes were saying, "Good Lord woman...do ya see this fur coat I'm wearin' here??? TURN ON THE AC!" Don't get me wrong as I know if I were still living in the frozen North I would be complaining about that too and I guess the old saying really is true. It does get mighty warm in these parts but at least you don't have to shovel heat.

Battered and bent but not (yet) broken.

2008-12-10T20:39:00.003-05:00

Morty loves the Christmas tree on the screened porch and I think he probably marks the days off his little kitty calendar until it's time to put up the tree each year. There aren't any ornaments (just lights) and Morty uses that tree as his super secret spy spot to keep a better eye on the squirrels and egrets. As I drove in last night I noticed the lit tree was laying on it's side over in a corner instead of standing centered on the porch as it was when I left for work. Hmmm. I unlocked the front door and saw Morty sitting on his favorite couch cushion trying desperately to look nonchalant. If a cat could whistle he would have been whistling and maybe filing his nails. Apparently the Mortman has put on a few extra pounds this year and when ole Thunder Thighs flew up the tree and perched on his favorite top branch it was more than the little spindly tree could take and it topped over. The base of the tree is now weighted, the bent branches are somewhat straightened and if you see Morty please don't mention this as he is very sensitive about his recent expansion. I feel your pain Mort and you are welcome to shop with me in the jumbo petite department.

All I did was get out the stepladder.

2008-12-08T16:13:00.003-05:00

I live in a condo which is not large and I don't do nearly the holiday decorating that I used to do when we were in the home where the children grew up but I'm no slouch either. I usually have a tree inside and one on the screened porch, a Christmas village on the buffet, mistletoe, stockings and lots of candles.The only outside lights I put up are on the screened porch and since it was almost 70 today I decided today was the day to get that done. So here is a brief synopsis of why it took me over 5 hrs to hang three strands of lights and plugin one pre-lit 6 ft pop up tree. After I drug the 6 ft ladder from the storage closet to the screened porch I noticed the porch needed to be cleaned and the windows washed so what the heck, it's a nice day and I will have time to get that out of the way. Now porch is all nice and clean, the windows almost sparkle but the ceiling fan is just plain nasty. So I climbed back off the ladder and got the Windex and paper towels out to clean the fan. The porch fan is clean, I have the Windex and paper towels in hand and I bet the other 4 ceiling fans are dirty too. So I drag my ladder, Windex and paper towel to the bedrooms and cleaned fans...much better. Well, guess what...the crown molding could use a little attention too so I drag the ladder back to the porch, get out the long handled duster and tackle the crown molding. Molding looks much better but good grief woman when was the last time you washed the fingerprints off the doors and switch plates?? FINE...but I need more paper towels. Did you know cat hair sticks to plantation blinds? Well, apparently it does so I drug the ladder back to the bedrooms and removed cat hair and dust from the blinds. Blinds are now all clean but the bedroom windows need attention.....bad. OK, porch is scrubbed, ALL the windows are now washed inside and out. Ceiling fans, doors, switch plates and crown molding are all clean. However, it is now almost dark and it was 5 hrs ago when I took the ladder out of the storage closet to put up three strings of Christmas lights and one dumb tree. Ho Ho Ho

General Obersations

2008-11-24T17:53:00.003-05:00

Guess I should clarify a statement I made in my last post about having fun with the grandchildren in spite of their mothers. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE the mothers...they are my daughters and I can't think of two people who I enjoy more except they sometimes put a crimp in the fun factor. It used to be me who was the "joy stealer" but that wand has been passed down to them and man oh man, when they say it's time to brush your teeth your butt best be in the bathroom puttin'the Crest on the toothbrush. Let's just say Grandma is a little loosey goosey with the rules when the moms aren't around.
Teeth brushing reminds me of the time when Polly asked 11 year old Sarah (who was 4 at the time) if she had brushed her teeth. Sarah replied, "Ummm......are you going to check?" I am not a bettin' woman but I am willing to bet my last dollar that yes, her mama did check.

Bears!

2008-11-19T01:09:00.004-05:00

Three of the six grandchildren (and their mothers, bummer) were here last week and I learned several things. First of all I did not know my condo was infested with bears with the emphasis on was. Matthew loves all things that seem to fascinate five year old boys like the TV show Worlds Dirtiest Jobs, bugs, power tools and hunting. Especially hunting. We had dinner at The Dixie Stampede and of course on the way out you have to exit through the gift shop which meant we HAD to buy a new gun because apparently umpteen toy guns are just not enough. I got up the next morning (translation:I stumbled from the bedroom to the kitchen) and just as I started to set my cup of coffee on the coffee table Matthew bellowed from the next room, "Grandma! Be careful...there's a dead bear on that table and I just put another one in the dining room." My fearless bear hunter stands all of 3 ft tall and was wearing teeny tiny boxer shorts, cowboy hat, boots and of course his trusty six shooters. To my credit I hardly flinched and put my coffee on the end table instead of the "dead bear repository". We had a great visit (in spite of their mothers) and I can safely say, thanks to Matthew , I am absolutely 100% positive that there is not one single bear in my condo.

Smert Children

2008-11-18T07:02:00.001-05:00

Our family is so proud! After generations of under achievers we finally have a child in the talented and gifted program. It might have been a scoring fluke but we don't care...we're in baby! I was telling Eddie how proud I am of Avery, what a bright child she is, how well she reads and how Cameron is coming up right behind her. I went on and on (grandmas are allowed) about how smart Cameron is, how well he is doing in kindergarten and he will probably be in the talented and gifted program too when Eddie jerked me back to reality with, "MOM...give it up. Cameron is adorable and I love him but he eats paper." That's OK Cameron, hold your head high...you may be one of us but your sister managed to overcome that handicap and that means there is a chance for you too.

5 Stupid Things I do In The Kitchen

2008-11-17T10:20:00.004-05:00

My friend Tenn at http://www.tennzen.blogspot.com/ tagged me for this post and I suspect my children put her up to this because my kitchen blunders are not exactly secrets. Make sure you take the time to go read Tenn's blog as her recipes are excellent and she is a wonderful writer. Oh Lord...I have to limit this to 5?? OK, here goes nothin'.

1. Forget to serve a dish. I have lost count of the times I have forgotten to serve a dish that I prepared ahead of time for a big meal. Sometimes it's deviled eggs or slaw and one memorable dinner it was the rolls but the blare of the smoke detector served as a good reminder for that one. Oh the rolls were not edible but at least the family knew I made the effort. Sort of like that one Christmas present I always forget I have hidden on the top shelf of the closet that gets recycled to a birthday which is pretty sucky if the gift is a sweater and your birthday is in July.

2. Saving gravy and vegetables for soup. Great plan..right? Sure is if you remember to take them out of the freezer and actually put them in the soup. It would probably be better for all concerned if I would just throw the leftovers out to begin with and save myself the aggravation of finding all those little baggies with three peas and a tablespoon of gravy when I clean out the freezer.

3. Not completely closing the silverware drawer. Let's just say I probably have the CLEANEST silverware drawer in the Southeast due to washing everything in there including the tray on a regular basis because some idiot (did I mention that I live alone?) left the drawer partly open and spilled flour, sugar or one very memorable day...an entire Diet Cherry Coke.

4. Salad Dressings. How long do you keep salad dressing? I swear I have a bottle of Russian dressing that I bought when Carter was president. It still smells like the day I bought it and since I don't like Russian dressing and think it tastes like horse sweat when it's new...how do you know when it's bad??

5. Lost potatoes. I keep potatoes in a lower cabinet and invariably one will fall out of the bag and roll out of sight until it becomes painfully obvious to anyone within 5 miles that there is something very very wrong in that cabinet.

Tagbacks to:
Susie- Notes From The Prairie. http://www.susiesblog-susie.blogspot.com/
Sammy- Grammy Sammy. http://www.grammysammy.blogspot.com/
Almostgotit-How to (almost) get the job. http://www.almostgotit.com/
and of course anyone else who would like to play along!

Early Morning TV

2008-11-11T08:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wake up at 4 AM and it's too early to get up and I can't go back to sleep so I pick up the trusty TV remote. There is an exercise show that comes on at that time and the lady on there just cracks me up. She is in her late 50's early 60's and is so thin her leotard actually bags in the seat. OK, that is funny enough but she sounds just like Elmer Fudd and says things like, "Dood morning friends today we are going to wift our wegs rilly rilly high." I may have to start setting my alarm for 4 AM. Naaaaa, but I can record her and I bet she's just as funny at 7 PM as she is at 4 AM. Heck, I may even exercise with her... just as soon as I find a leotard that bags in the seat.

The other side of the coin.

2008-11-10T18:34:00.003-05:00

For someone who is sporting such a short haircut I sure have spent a lot of time thinking about hair the last few days. Fortunately I have thick hair that grows fast so I do recover quickly but those first couple of weeks can be brutal. How long do you keep your hairbrushes? I don't know if this is admirable or just plain sick but I have had my round yellow hair brush which is my favorite brush EVER since 1984. Nope, that is not a typo..my hairbrush is 24 years old and YES it has been washed. Once in the 90's. Oh that's not true I wash it a couple of times a month. Right after I brush the cat. Oh that's not true either. Well, the washing part is but not the cat part. Am I the only person who develops weird attachments to their possessions?

I don't get it.

2008-11-09T17:43:00.003-05:00

Would somebody please explain to me what it is about my head that seems to scream lesbian golfer to any hairdresser who cuts my hair?? Number one..I am not a golfer. Wait a minute, I guess number one should be I'm not a lesbian but I'm also not a golfer. I have gone to the $50 a cut places (it pained me but I did it) as well as the $10 chop shops and there is no difference in the end result. Every single time I come out looking like I'm on the way to a big torunament with three of my closest girl friends.

Sign of the times.

2008-10-12T11:15:00.006-04:00

Over the past few years our HOA has managed to accumulate the usual assortment of maintenance items that could be a fire hazard and can't be kept in our storage area so we decided to have a small shed built next to the trash compactor. We are talking about something the size of a nice walk-in closet, a few unfinished shelves...nothing major. It was raining as I left for work yesterday morning and as I drove past the compactor I saw six men working on our storage shed. At first I chuckled and then realized the reason there were six men working was because the gentleman we hired was sharing this small job with five friends. Two years ago those same men were earning upwards of $30 an hour with more overtime then they wanted but in todays economy those jobs are gone. Five families will eat tonight thanks to the generosity of a friend who easily could have done the job alone.

Bunk Bed 1 Grandma 0

2008-10-09T10:42:00.004-04:00

It has been a lot of years since I changed the sheets on a bunk bed and Cameron you better be taking a bath every night before bed because it will be a looooog time before Grandma changes the sheets on a bunk bed again. Let's put it this way...do you like camping? You do! Well, sleeping in a sleeping bag in your own bed is just like camping...I PROMISE, really it is, honest. After breakfast I decided it couldn't be put off any longer and I faced the dragon...CHANGING THE BUNK BED SHEETS. Taking the sheets off wasn't too bad except for the two times I managed to smack my head on the top bunk. Yes, TWO times. Apparently I am a slow learner and if I wasn't before than I definitely am now after my head injury. So about an hour later I march back up the stairs with the clean sheets and discover why only very young people should have children. Not only am I winded from my upteenth trip up the stairs but my tail is now 6 ft off the floor while I try to get that darn fitted sheet on the top bed. Tug Swear Pull Swear Pant Swear Yes! Sheet is on. All is good, right? Well, first I have to get down from the top bunk without smacking into the ceiling or getting my foot caught in the light fixture. Ladder...don't fail me now. Finally, feet are back on the floor and light fixture is intact. Bottom bunk is a piece of cake, right? WRONG! The bottom bunk is a double size bed so I slither like a lizard up under the top bunk and pop the fitted sheet on the corners and the sheet seems a little wide but oh well and combat crawl back to the end of the bed but not before I smack my forehead on the side rail. OK, tug on the sheet and DANG it's on sideways soooo I belly crawl back up to the top of the bed to correct my mistake and manage to pinch my finger between the bed frame and the mattress but at least the sheet fits this time. I crawl back out, wipe the sweat off my face and finish putting on the fitted sheet. Whew, worst part is over. Now the flat sheet, comforter, pillow shams...hey, looks good. Just as I walk out of the room I notice that I have gotten the dust ruffle tucked halfway up under the mattress and decide dust ruffles are for sissies and it deserves to stay tucked. Cameron, I'm tellin' ya sleeping bags are the bomb.

She looks good in black & blue.

2008-10-07T18:35:00.002-04:00

Several friends have asked me if I think Eddie will be down very long. She is making progress but oh my goodness, she is so sore and and something as basic as a shampoo and shower are major ordeals involving trash bags, duct tape and consume most of the morning. It it isn't broken, it's skinned. If it isn't skinned or broken then it hurts. Thank goodness she is young and healthy as I am sure that will help in her recovery. If that had been me (yes, I know that I haven't ridden a bicycle in 30 yrs) all you would have had to to is put a headstone up right there on the sidewalk because there is no way I would have ever gotten up again. My Eddie is doing better and thank you all for asking.

I do not have my head in the oven nor am I hanging from the shower rod.

2008-10-06T19:24:00.007-04:00

Well...after that cheerful little entry I guess I need to fill you in on what has been going on and why I haven't written. Youngest daughter Eddie is a real physical fitness nut who works out everyday, eats right, swims and all those other annoying things that keep you healthy. After completing her daily three mile run (don't you just want to pinch her little head right off her shoulders?) she returned to the house to get her bike and go to the gym for her daily workout. OK, if I just ran three miles the only way you could get me to the gym would be if they were serving FREE pizza and beer. Eddie grabbed her bike, put on her helmet and headed for the gym. Just as she came around a corner she saw that a piece of the sidewalk was missing , slammed on her brakes, flew over the handlebars and did a face plant onto the concrete. End result was a broken arm, black eye from hairline to lip to ear, split lip, skinned knees, road rash and bruises the size of a dessert plate. She had surgery on Saturday to put a steel plate in her arm and is recovering well so I plan to stay a few more days until Eddie is feeling better and then I'll head for home. Mike and Eddie have a wonderful church family who have been furnishing dinner every evening and the offers of help continue to stream in all day. What would be do without our family and friends?

Saint Polly

2008-09-17T21:43:00.005-04:00

My younger daughter, Eddie, and I have decided that Polly is a Saint or not very bright...we haven't decided which title is the correct label. Polly has spent the last few months painting every room in their house, making new curtains, purchasing a few pieces of new furniture and doing a general spruce up on their home. After umpteen trial pints of paint the correct shade of barely yellow was finally found for the family room. The new furniture was delivered, pictures hung on the wall and everything looked GREAT. Then it happened. Polly turned into their driveway just in time to see husband Tony unloading a piece of furniture. It was a recliner. A ugly recliner with heat, massage and a built in cooler. Here is the real kicker... the fabric is camouflage. Uh oh. Polly said something along the lines of, "May I ASSUME that is going to the office?" Nooooo....Tony looked all pitiful and the chair now has a place of honor in the newly decorated family room. What do you think...Saint? Or not real bright?

Fine Cusine

2008-09-11T18:00:00.004-04:00

I was looking through old cookbooks the other day and laughed when I came across a recipe I made ONE time about 30 years ago. All you moms know how hard it is to come up with a dish that pleases everyone and I was sure I had a winner. My entire family likes German potato salad and what kid doesn’t like hot dogs. After following the directions for the German potato salad I put it in a round baking dish, split the hot dogs lengthwise and stood them up around the outside edge of the bowl and put the dish in the oven to brown the hot dogs. It was supposed to look like a standing rib roast and it sorta did in an Oscar Mayer kinda way. SO…..I made a salad, hot bread, a nice dessert and called everyone to the table for dinner. There were the five of us staring at this “faux standing rib roast” in the middle of the table with all those hot dogs standing at attention and after a few minutes I turned to Dave and said, “WHAT….you don’t like German potato salad and hot dogs?!?” His response was, “No, I like hot dogs and German potato salad. I was just trying to remember the last time I was served a main course that looked like it needed to be circumcised.” I miss Dave.

Operation Baking Gals

2008-09-09T20:47:00.013-04:00

This will be the second time I am taking part in this effort and I think it's positively AMAZING how much a group of women can accomplish in a short amount of time. This project has nothing to do with our personal feelings about the war or politics, it's all about sending a piece of home to our soldiers one cookie at a time. The first box I sent was filled with cookies, a paperback book, a ball cap, gum, sun block, Skittles and individual Crystal Light packs. What you choose to send is entirely up to you but there is an extensive list of items on the OPERATION BAKING GALS site that our guys and girls like to receive as well as items that are not allowed to be mailed. There are also detailed instructions on what size containers work best, how to pack the cookies with the least amount of breakage and even how to fill out the paperwork. Don't panic, it is very simple....hey, I did it on the first try. Other than cookies I'm not sure what I will put in this next shipment but I was amazed at how quickly I managed to fill that box! This time I think I will choose a female soldier because I have a ton of girly type things that I can tuck in with the cookies. This is a perfect project to share with your children or grandchildren so please take a minute and go visit with my friend Susan at http://www.operationbakinggals.blogspot.com/ and tell her Jan from Myrtle Beach sent you!

Vegetarian...almost

2008-09-08T22:11:00.009-04:00

A good buddy of mine and I hosted a baby shower for a mutual friend of ours last weekend and since the new mom to be is a vegetarian the majority of the guests were also vegetarian or vegan. The menu needed to be a little different from the usual shrimp on a stick feminine lunch fare and if I do say so myself...we done good. I volunteered to make a brown rice, black bean and vegetable dish that is served cold with a raspberry dressing. I like this recipe because it is tasty as well as pretty on the table. There were about 20 attendees and after we finished with the mandatory mind numbing games and endless present opening it was time for the real reason we were all there... THE FOOD. Everyone oohed and ahhed over all the different vegetarian selections we had prepared and several people asked me for recipe for the brown rice/vegetable dish I had made. So, I'm sitting there all smug that this dedicated carnivore had managed to make a vegetarian dish that everyone really enjoyed. The recipe is hardly complicated and I rattled off the ingredients...diced onion, chopped cherry tomatoes, fresh or frozen corn, black beans (rinsed) and avocado chunks stirred into brown rice that has cooled to room temperature. Stir together and add raspberry vinaigrette to your taste. Then it happened. A voice from the back of the room (I could tell she was a vegetarian too because she was so skinny I could have snapped her like a twig) said, "Jan, this rice is delicious..why is your rice so much better than mine?" I smiled, tried not to look like I was bragging and said, "Well, I always cook my rice in homemade chicken broth." Dang, and I came so close.

SMILE...Baby, SMILE!

2008-09-08T17:13:00.012-04:00

Several years ago TLC made (it might have been on HBO originally but I saw the show on TLC) a documentary about childrens beauty pageants titled PAINTED BABIES. If I remember correctly it was filmed in 1995. The documentary followed four little girls from the pageant world that were pros or were just getting started with pageants. Not only did I watch the show but I called a friend of mine and we stayed on the phone discussing what was unfolding on the screen and laughing our proverbial tails off. Well, TLC has made a sequel to PAINTED BABIES and it aired this past Sunday night. If you have the opportunity and I am sure you will because the cable channels get their hands on a new show and they tend to play it every 28 minutes or until we can recite the dialog right along with the participants. The sequel is every bit as entertaining as the original but when I say entertaining I mean as in driving by a train wreck can't look away type of entertainment. I do have to admit the two girls featured in Sunday nights show did not turn out nearly as obnoxious as I was expecting but their mothers and grandmothers…Lawz A. Mercy. In real life they are probably perfectly delightful people but thanks to editing and the bizarre world of pageantry they come across as total nut cases. Hang onto your hats but our family had a brief encounter with pageants. If you happen to be a friend or relative of ours I know you are laughing hysterically because Eddie, Polly and I are about as non-pageant as anyone you will ever meet. Here is an example...the hem came out of my favorite pants last week and I fixed it with duct tape. Then I washed the pants and instead of fixing the hem I applied new duct tape. Eddie and I still don’t know what possessed Polly to do this but when Tory was 3 and Katy was 18 months old Polly entered them in a pageant. I thought she had lost her mind and in retrospect I think she must have. She was pregnant with Sarah at the time so we will blame this on "I have two toddlers" insanity plus raging pregnancy hormones. Polly found two beautiful pageant dresses that were second hand but still cost more than my first wedding. Not more than my wedding dress...more than the whole wedding. Getting ready for this pageant was a PRODUCTION. I am willing to bet Princess Diana spent less time getting ready for her wedding to Prince Charles than it took us to curl hair (one child barely had hair and the other child has enough hair for 3 people), put on makeup and you have never lived until you try to put mascara on a 18 month old baby. Katy is almost 13 now and the vision only recently returned to her left eye. OH...I'm kidding I didn't really blind her but I was scared to death that was going to happen. Then you have the ruffled socks, ruffled panties, fancy shoes and hair bows. My hand to God...it was the longest day of my life but the REALLY good news is Polly came to her senses and figured out that we just aren't pageant people.

Kindergarten Logic

2008-09-08T13:47:00.002-04:00

I love the way Cameron thinks and while his actions might not always be appropriate they are to the point and usually accomplish the desired result. He is having “issues” with a little boy in his class but I am 99% sure those “issues” have been resolved. Cameron’s parents have made an effort not to get involved in this dispute but Cameron was very upset when he arrived home on Friday. Eddie asked a few questions and Cameron told her he lost his good behavior button because he had deliberately knocked this little boy down on the playground. When Eddie asked him why he had knocked the little boy down Cameron blinked back his tears, gave her a “how dumb are you look” and said, “MOM…he deserved it!” How do you argue with that? Heck, maybe we should have all of our governmental foreign relations under the direction of five year old boys. Quite frankly I think it could be a step in the right direction.

Reincarnation Radio

2008-09-03T16:47:00.006-04:00

Well, I did it again. I promise that I really didn't mean to make the girl behind the bank counter feel bad. I stopped by Wal-Mart (or as it is known in the South...Wal-Marts) to stock my shelves for Hurricane Hannah and since my bank has a branch inside the store I stopped there first to deposit a check that I had been carrying around forever. Did I have a deposit slip? Of course not but the little girl (probably all of 18) behind the counter said, "Oh that is no problem, all I need is your social security number." I spouted off the number and she frowned and said she must have entered it incorrectly and could I give it to her again so I did and it still didn't work. It was about then that I had a revelation and said, "OH, I am so sorry that was my husbands social security number." I then gave her mine which of course worked." There was a stack of weather radios on the counter (even the bank is getting ready for Hurricane Hannah) and I'm checking them out when the little bank clerk says, "If you bring your husband by this week and add him to your checking account he will receive one of these radios as a gift." Without missing a beat I said, "Thank you but if I bring my husband by this week he will be very disappointed if all he gets is a free weather radio. He has been dead for 6 years and I feel certain that he would expect AT LEAST a 52 inch plasma TV." Note to self: Must remember that not everyone has the same twisted sense of humor that you have.

My daughter... the chicken whisperer.

2008-08-29T16:32:00.008-04:00

Polly's family live so far out in the sticks that it is a 45 minute drive (ONE WAY) to take the children to school. I know this for a fact because my friend Barb and I stayed with the children for a month one week while their parents were on a business trip and when you are trying to get three kids fed, teeth brushed, school uniforms on, lunches packed and hair braided Barb and I discovered (out of necessity) that with a slight adjustment to the speed limit it is possible to knock several minutes off of that 45. Barb and I refuse to say exactly how many minutes because we might want to be invited back sometime. All of that has absolutely nothing to do with chickens but I wanted to give you an idea how far out in the sticks my daughter lives and now back to the chicken whisperer. When Matthew turned 5 in March all he wanted for his birthday was a baby chicken. Well, you can't have just one baby chicken so of course he received six tiny yellow puff balls....and they all survived. If you had any idea of the abysmal survival rate for ducks, chickens and bunnies at their house you would be as amazed as I am that they all lived long enough to become big dumb, dirty chickens. Well, five of them are big, dumb, dirty chickens but little Suzanne was different from the very beginning. The other chickens won't have anything to do with Suzanne and that is fine with her because she would rather be with Polly. If Polly sits in the swing then Suzanne is in her lap. If Polly goes to the barn Suzanne is right behind her and Suzanne never misses a walk to the mailbox. Polly has no problem with these outdoor bonding sessions and even looks forward to seeing Suzanne waiting for her by the backdoor. However, on Wednesday Suzanne crossed the line. When Polly came downstairs she was greeted by the sight of 11 year old Sarah in her jammies, sitting at the kitchen table and eating a bowl of Wheaties. Regular morning ritual, right? Yeah...right up until Polly noticed that Sarah was sharing her Wheaties with Suzanne who happened to be sitting in Sarah's lap and resting her little chicken chin right smack on the kitchen table. Folks, now THAT is country.

SUCCESS AT LAST!

2008-08-27T12:44:00.010-04:00

I stared the dragon straight in the eye and I won...YES I DID! I am soo proud! I packed up the cable boxes, cords, remotes and loaded them in the car. I swear in the background I could hear the theme from Star Wars. I marched straight into the Time Warner office, plunked my cable boxes, cords and remotes right smack on the counter (after waiting in line for 15 minutes it was more of a plop than a plunk)and said, "I want to reduce my service to basic cable." OK, my chin trembled just a little bit when I said it and there might have been one little tear in the corner of my left eye but I didn't back down. The two previous times I had lugged those darn cable boxes back to Time Warner a little twit behind the counter not only talked me out of going back to basic cable but convinced me to upgrade my service. Oh yes, she was gooood. So this time I was a little smarter and went to a different office and marched in there like my name is Mrs. T. Warner, Jr. I was eloquent, I was charming AND I stared the dragon DOWN! Wow...look out Sunny Day Dry Cleaners you are next and I'm on a roll.

Please tell me you do these things too.

2008-08-24T15:50:00.011-04:00

Ya'll already know I'm the ole widow lady with two cats so not only am I dealing with that cliche I have a few (HEY...it's my blog and if I choose to say a FEW then it is a FEW) quirks that I hope we have in common.

1. When I run the vacuum and it won't suck up a piece of popcorn, lint, thread or whatever I will pick up the "nonsuckable" object, look at it and then throw it back on the floor to give the vacuum another chance. I have no clue why I don't just throw the "unsuckable" stuff in the trash while I have it in my hand. If the vacuum still won't suck that stuff up I have been known to kick the unsuckable object under the coffee table.

2. M & M's have to be eaten in even numbers. Two, four, six = good. One, three, five = work of the devil. However, it is perfectly acceptable to mix the colors in any way you choose. Hey...I have rules but I am not unreasonable.

3. When I shave my legs the left one is always first, same for armpits. Fortunately I only have to deal with this one May through August as the path to hell is lined with people who shave their legs during the months that contain R's. I have been told that this habit may have something to do with why I don't date but I really don't see the connection.

4. When I play Freecell (of course not at work, I would NEVER do that) my stacks HAVE to be in the correct order. Hearts, spades, diamonds then clubs. If they aren't in the right order then the win DOES NOT count. Sorry, if you have been playing this game incorrectly but that's just the way it has to be if you want to win the right way. Yes, as a matter of fact I am absolutely positive MY way is the RIGHT way. Good Lord, it's not like I made the rule up!

5. OH...I don't think this is weird, I think it's logical BUT my spices are alphabetical, my canned goods are in order and all face the front with the duplicates behind the "lead" can and yes I really do call it the "lead" can.

OK...these are a few of my quirks, what have you got to bring to the table?? Don't you dare TRY to tell me you don't have any as I know better. You wouldn't be interested in anything I have to say if you were normal.

Arrrrg...PEOPLE!

2008-08-22T17:39:00.004-04:00

Whenever I stop by our snack bar to fill up my Diet Cherry Coke (necter from the Gods) I always take a couple of minutes to "spiff" up the counters and tables a bit especially during the busy summer months when everybody and their brother seem to decide at the same moment they can't live another minute without a big ole box of chicken nuggets or a jumbo hot dog. So this afternoon I'm wiping up the ketchup spills and getting ready to walk back to my office when this family of heathens appear and in less than 45 seconds absolutely demolish the entire condiment counter and the surrounding area. There was ketchup, mustard, lettuce, onion and relish flying in every direction. I am standing there holding my Diet Cherry Coke with my mouth open in shock when I notice the MOTHER is up to her elbows scooping the lettuce with her BARE hands! I said "Mam, Mam, MAM...we have tongs!" She looked me square in the eye, both hands still in the lettuce and said, "Thanks, but I don't needm'." Well yeah...guess she didn't.

One broken toilet, one broken lamp and two cats hiding under the bed.

2008-08-18T18:15:00.011-04:00

OH...that could only mean the grandchildren have been visiting! Here are five things we learned on this visit.

1. If you are jumping on the couch in the toy room and lose your balance the floor lamp will break your fall but the lampshade will be doomed to hang at a 90 degree angle for the rest of its natural life.

2. Ginglebelle does not like to wear a baby bonnet or a baby dress. Ginglebelle does not have claws but she does have teeth...and an attitude.

3. Morty does not like anyone to pull him out of the litterbox by his back leg. This is just a guess but I don't think Morty would like anyone to pull him out of the litterbox by his front leg either. Morty has claws, teeth...and an attitude.

4. Toilets are not happy when we think they haven't flushed and we put all of our weight (even if we only weigh 30 lbs)on the little silver handle. Grandma is not happy when you hand her a little silver handle. Grandma's also have attitudes but their teeth sit in a jar on the nightstand .

5. Grandma's love us no matter what we break, are never ready for us to go home and Dew's Hardware Store has cases and cases of little silver toilet handles and one less lampshade.

G-spots, unicorns and customer service...ALL myths.

2008-08-16T19:41:00.005-04:00

If you really thought I am going to write about your g-spot you are sadly mistaken and as Prissy (Gone With The Wind) sorta said, "I don't know nutthin' bout unicorns." So I guess that leaves customer service or as I like to call it...customer noservice. I understand corporations consider voice mail a time saver but I have to wonder if that is really true. After I have been asked to press 1 for English I'm already ticked because I live in an English speaking country so I expect my business to be conducted in English. If I lived in Spain or Mexico I would expect to be doing business in Spanish...but hey, what do I know. Maybe you have to press 1 in Spain and Mexico to do business in Spanish. My point is by the time I have pressed a button for at least 5 voice prompts and STILL have not gotten a human being I ain't happy and I guarantee you the simple question I am calling about has turned into a 10 minute tirade directed at some poor peon who has no authority to do away with the voice mail system. Have you tried to deal with your local cable or phone company lately? Oh Mama Mia...good luck. I tried to reach a real person at the phone company for THREE DAYS and never did get to talk to anybody. I finally gave up and wrote them an email...guess what? Haven't had a response from the email either. Guess they figured out I was no longer a customer when the cable company contacted them with the notice that I was switching to digital phone service.I really shouldn't have included our cable company in the not responding department because they do respond and I do mean respond. I am not home much and it really doesn't make sense for me to have all these premium channels because I am just as happy with a Seinfeld rerun as I am with their movie selections. However, every time I stop by the cable office to turn in my cable boxes they have these smooth talking sales people who not only talk me out of turning in the cable boxes but before I get out the door they have me signed up for some other high priced option that is free for the next six months. The six months free trial is great but then look out because I will have to decide if I want groceries or cable. I plan to take another shot at returning my cable boxes this week...hmmmm, maybe I should pretend I don't speak English OR Spanish.

Five...well, TODAY I'm six.

2008-08-14T16:27:00.004-04:00

Eddie and I should have known better. We are not dumb people, maybe a little naive sometimes (OK, a lot naive) but I promise you we aren't dumb. Avery and Cameron had a reservation to Swim With The Stingrays this afternoon and the program is designed for ages six and up. Cameron will be six in a few months but truth be told he is five. In our defense...I know, I know the rules say six BUT Cameron is a very good swimmer, goes off the high board and all kinds of things his Grandma isn't brave enough to do. So, last night Eddie sat down with Cameron and explained that if anyone asked how old he is that he was to say six. She then explained about the rules and why the rules say you should be six years old and what we were doing was not right but we were confident in his swimming ability. Gawd....my whole family is nothing but a bunch of truth stretchers. Soooo...before heading to the aquarium we decided to stop at Build a Bear. Cameron had picked out his stuffed animal and the lady was talking to him while she was helping him stuff his bear. They chatted for a few minutes and then she asked him how old he is and it was right about here when Eddie had a full blown hiney cringe. Cameron said, "Usually I'm five but just for today I am six." "I have to be six today because five is too young to Swim With the Stingrays so JUST FOR TODAY I am six...but really I'm five" WELL...the lady almost fell off of her chair laughing and I think I can safely say our family has finally spawned a complete truth teller.

Would it be wrong...

2008-08-11T21:06:00.005-04:00

if I look people right square in the eye and say..HUH?? I'm just askin' because some people seem to leave their common sense at home. Let me give you a for instance. We have a dive show scheduled every hour on the hour and I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked, by very normal looking people who are holding a PRINTED DIVE SHOW SCHEDULE IN THEIR HAND,"What time is the 10 o'clock dive show?" Well let's see....just for fun we moved the 10'clock dive show to 11:15. No reason, just for our own amusement. OH...I like this one too. "Are the sharks teeth real?" Of course not. Each of our sharks are fitted with dentures before they are placed in the tanks. Or here is another favorite. "You can't fool me...those fish aren't real, they are battery operated!" WOW! You are very observant as all of our fish are battery operated which is why Duracell is one of our major sponsors. The common sense people make you chuckle but the lady below makes you want to snatch her bald headed...as my grandma used to say.
One of our managers was walking behind a mother and baby when the mother deliberately dropped a diaper on the floor instead of walking 5 feet further to a trashcan. Our employee picked up the diaper and carried it to the trashcan but muttered under his breath, "I wonder how she would like it if I rang her doorbell, handed her $20 and left a giant dump in her living room." Oh yeah....fall is right around the corner.

Airlines

2008-08-08T19:49:00.003-04:00

There has been some pretty weird stuff happenings with the airlines the past few years. I have always played along with their little game of putting my seat back in the upright position although I find it very hard to believe that 1/4 inch has any bearing on a safe landing, takeoff or evacuation. However, I do think the lady sitting next to me with the ginormous handbag and a carry-on bag larger than the bag I checked could be a bit of a problem and what is the deal with charging for checked baggage?? HELLOOO.....it's the carry-on baggage that slows everything down! If you want to charge for baggage, charge for the carry-ons and maybe next time I fly to California I won't have to travel with Mrs. Nasty McRude's leopard print bag lopped over on top of my feet for 6 flippin' hours. I am sure you have read about the current court case that has everybody chuckling but in case you are just returning from a 6 year trip to the Burmese Jungle here is a brief synopsis. Apparently the wife of a televangelist (traveling first class) threw a blue butt monkey fit over a fifty cent size spot on her seat. Not her tushy seat but her chair seat. The flight attendant contacted a member of the cleaning crew but apparently the cleaning crew were not responding as quickly as Mrs. Televangelist was expecting and at some point Mrs. Televangelist body slammed the flight attendant into the lavatory door and then tried to force her way into the cockpit. I don't know why she tried to force her way into the cockpit...heck maybe she read someplace that is where all the cleaning supplies are kept. Of course security was called and Mr. & Mrs. Televangelist were escorted from the plane. OK..that's funny enough but here is where it gets REALLY funny. The flight attendant is suing Mrs. Televangelist for of all things giving her hemorrhoids. OK..televangelists have been accused of a lot of things (adultery and stealing come to mind) but far as I know hemorrhoids is a first. Wish ya'll had been with my friend Anny and I when we were flying to MT to visit my daughter and TSA found a meat grinder in Anny's luggage. Ah yes, another story for another day.

Got any WD 40?

2008-08-07T00:44:00.003-04:00

I have a sneaking suspicion that we are going to need some at work this weekend. The contract clearly states maxiumum of 100 but the final count is 175 people. TommyB turned the most amazing shade of purple and our Chef mumbled something that sounded like, "Did I think he could pull chickens out of his..." I couldn't quite make out the last word but I don't think it was very nice.

Some friends are silver and some are sporks.

2008-08-04T17:59:00.004-04:00

I am more of a "spork" kinda gal. Silver has to be polished, you can't put silver in the dishwasher and if you don't give silver constant attention it will tarnish. On the other hand a spork is low maintenance, very resilient and is flexible since it is a spoon OR a fork. So based on that information I have decided that I have silver friends and spork friends and while I enjoy all of my friends the sporks are definitely easier and probably more fun. The silver friends keep track of who called who last, who owes who dinner...that kind of thing. Now the sporks are a whole different story. They could care less who called who last and are much more interested in spending time together than where or when we have dinner. Sporks also don't have to be talked to all the time so if you are at the beach or pool you can read and sporks aren't offended. Sporks are content to just, be. So...are you silver or are you a spork?

Crazy Days

2008-08-02T14:30:00.002-04:00

I know it's August, I know it's supposed to be hot but Good Gawd almighty does it have to be so hot that I blister my hand when I touch the steering wheel??? I'm still scratching my head trying to decide why I decided to invest my 401k in the meat market when during the hot months all I want to eat are tomato sandwiches, Silver Queen corn and watermelon. I love tomato sandwiches but I am particular about the bread..I know big shock. The bread has to be white, VERY fresh and I use a round cookie cutter to cut the center out of the bread so it just fits the tomato slice. I lay the tomato slices on paper towels so they aren't so drippy and while the tomato is becoming "non-drippy" I put a smear of Mayonnaise on both pieces of bread. It has to be Mayonnaise (Duke's or Hellman's but I like Hellman's the best) not Miracle Whip and if I have to explain the difference then you obviously do not live in the South. After I have lightly salted the tomato slices I put my sandwich together and honey...slice a hunk of watermelon, butter an ear of corn and you got yourself a goood summer supper.

Meat, meat and MORE meat.

2008-07-30T21:35:00.005-04:00

If you looked in my freezer this evening you would think I am expecting to feed a family of 12 three times a day for at least a month. What can I say, I am tired of eating out (hurry up and come home Rosemary) so I stopped at Costco on the way home and stocked up. Rosemary is TommyB's mother and I have been known to drop in around 6 PM on occasion. Oh OK, maybe it's more like four or five times a week but Rosemary won't be back until October and TommyB's idea of dinner is scotch and pretzels so I figured I better get some groceries in the house. Well honey...if I had a diagram I have enough beef in the freezer to build my own cow. What is it about shopping at Sam's and Costco's that makes it impossible to buy a reasonable amount of ANYTHING? Come on, do I REALLY need three eye of round roasts AND three pork loins AND five pounds of catfish AND five pounds of pork chops AND ten pounds of hamburger?? In my defense I use the hamburger for my homemade vegetable soup or as my friends call it....barf in a bag. It really does not look very good when I pull that bag out for lunch but put a piece of cornbread with that vegetable soup and you have got yourself a lunch! So while I unpacked the meat and rewrapped it all in individual servings I was also browning the ten pounds of hamburger with five onions. The hamburger is also in the freezer in one pound bags ready to be added to the vegetable soup or spaghetti sauce and I have no excuse for not fixing dinner. Dang it, what was I thinking???

Shot in Billings

2008-07-27T22:39:00.005-04:00

Polly and Tory were talking about the high school group from Tory's school who are going to Mexico to help build a church this month. OK, they aren't going to Mexico but I can't spell the country where they are really going so get over it and if you want accuracy write your own blog. Tory was telling Polly about all the paperwork and preparations the kids had to finish before they could leave. You know, all the fun stuff like permission forms, Passports and shots. Tory asked her Mom what kinds of shots they had to have and Polly told her about the vaccines she had to get before she went to the Philippines in the early 90's. Polly then mentions that school is going to be here before they know it (just what every 14 yr old wants to hear) and mentions that she thought it would be a good idea if the family goes to Billings for a long weekend, end of the summer, last hurrah. Five year old Matthew has been quietly coloring at the kitchen table during this discussion and Polly says, "Matthew, how about a trip to Billings before school starts?" Matthew replies, "Umm, maybe. How many shots do I have to get to go to Billings?"

Wow, where do I start.

2008-07-26T19:52:00.007-04:00

Umm, this is a true story and I hardly know where to begin so here goes nothing. You have probably figured out I'm a pretty conservative person from politics to tradition to well, just about anything. The son of one of my best friends and his partner are expecting their first baby this fall. They are doing a home birth with a midwife which scares me a little but they also live within minutes of two very good hospitals so that is reassuring, Here is the part I just don't get, they are doing a Lotus Birth. Yeah, I had never heard of it either and I suggest you "give it a Google" but first put your sandwich down (I pray it's not pot roast) because I guarantee you won't want it anymore. A Lotus Birth means after the baby is born the cord is not cut and the placenta is placed in what appears to be my grandma's potato salad bowl to dry naturally which will take two to ten days depending on the humidity. It is traditional for the aunts, sisters, cousins and grandmothers to prepare a ceremonial cloth to line "the bowl" prior to the birth. This certainly wouldn't be my cup of tea (so to speak) but holy moly Martha think of the inconvenience. Everytime you pick-up, diaper, rock or move the baby you will be dragging 4-6 pounds of placenta, which is still attached to your baby by the umbilical cord AND a big ole potato salad bowl. I seem to remember being pretty sleep deprived those first few days (who am I kidding...YEARS) and I can envision a freshly diapered placenta in the bassinet and a new baby in the potato salad bowl. Since we bypassed gross several sentences ago let's get to the part we are all thinking about but haven't mentioned yet. The article clearly states, "Depending on the humidity level the placenta may become malodorous during the drying process." Ya think?? It is suggested the new parents keep fresh lavender on hand during this time. Fresh lavender...yeah right, good luck and let me know how that works for ya. OH...did I forget to mention they also have a dog? My oldest daughter said it best. "They have never spent any time on a farm have they?"

Phoenix...OR where ecru was invented.

2008-07-23T23:34:00.000-04:00

Ever been to Phoenix? It's a great place but never in my life have I seen so many shades of beige. I have a question, when all the houses in the neighborhood are the same color and style...how do you know you are home? Do you count houses from the corner? Make one of the kids stand by the mailbox until you return? Truth be told (yeah, I know you weren't expecting that from me) not all the houses are beige. Some are ecru, some are tan and a few rebels have chosen off white but let's just say beige is the predominant color. Heck, even the people are beige. If you want to give your system a real shock spend a few blissful days in San Francisco where the daily temperature topped out at 68 degrees and then hop on a plane to Phoenix where the temperature hovers slightly above broil. The natives love to say, "Yes, it's hot but it's a dry heat." My oven is a dry heat too but I don't plan to sit in there.

San Francisco

2008-07-18T01:40:00.004-04:00

When my plane landed this afternoon the temperature was 65 degrees. Lord, I seriously thought about stretching out nekid on the cool concrete but figured that was a little much for my first day here so I'll save that for Sunday. My hotel is right on the trolley line so I hear ding ding every few minutes and of course the next thing that goes through my mind is, "Riceroni..the San Francisco treat." Could be a long week. I attended both cocktail parties, met some fun people and was greatly relieved to discover that I was not the oldest person in the room. The windows actually open in my hotel room and the street musicians are playing this evening. The drummer I could do without and there is one saxophonist who has played the theme from The Godfather for the past hour but I even enjoy him. It's been a long day and all this cool non humid air is making me positively giddy so I'm calling it a day.

Sleep...what's that?

2008-07-15T17:36:00.009-04:00

Apparently my body has decided sleep is highly overrated. Sunday night I went to bed a total of four times and never did fall asleep but is my bathroom ever clean! About 3 AM I had had enough of popping in and out of bed like a high priced call girl at a Shriner convention so I cleaned my bathroom and did two loads of laundry. I also vacuumed my bedroom and dusted the furniture. I know, I was as shocked as you are. When I got home from work Monday evening I thought I would be really tired but noooooo....I went to bed about 10 PM, woke up at 2 AM and never did go back to sleep. What the heck? I don't like this one bit and sleeping used to be my hobby...well, paaahaaa guess it's not anymore. If this not sleeping thing is just one more joy of getting older then I ain't happy. Remember when you were 25 and had a new baby who was awake 28 hours a day and all you wanted to do was sleep? But noooo, social services frowns on Mom sleeping in her nice warm bed with a screaming baby in the carport. Well..duh, of course the baby would be in the carport. If he was in the house Mom wouldn't be able to sleep. Now my screaming babies have screaming babies of their own and I still can't sleep. Maybe I'm bionic.

Plumbing Woes

2008-07-13T11:43:00.004-04:00

I must have been raised by Keebler Elves or maybe some strange cult of dogooders as people never fail to amaze me. You have probably figured out that I am a pretty trusting person and if you tell me you are going to do something then I truly believe you will follow through. So far three plumbers have returned my messages and all three told me they would be here on a specific day. Unfortunately those days were weeks ago and I have yet to see a plumber. I know, I know and yes it was hard to cram that much naive into 5' 5". I have a simple repair that needs to be done and I won't bore you with the details. I can do most basic repairs but plumbin' just ain't my thang. Oh it's not that I haven't tried because I have and that brings up bad memories of what the neighbors still refer to as "THE GREAT CRAPPER FLAPPER INCIDENT". Let's just say it was ugly...and wet. In my defense the directions were not exactly clear and yes I did have to mop. Upstairs and downstairs. Plus fix a ceiling. I also had to paint...and apologize, a lot.

Entertainment

2008-07-11T11:07:00.004-04:00

I love working in the tourism industry and sometimes feel guilty about charging people admission when in reality they are much more entertaining than anything we have to offer. An example would be a lady who was here the other night for a formal event and since I am a shoe person I always peek at shoes mostly to make sure someone doesn't have a pair that I don't already own which is very unlikely but I look anyway. A lady about my age came in all decked out and wait until I tell you about the shoes. They were acrylic slides, the heel was about 3 inches high and 3 inches around but here is the kicker. Each heel was filled with water and contained a live fish. I have GOT to get a pair of those shoes! Then we have the people who apparently have no clue that they have gained 75 pounds since high school and think they can wear low cut jeans with a little tank top. Well honey, I know for a FACT that when you have gained 75 lbs you ain't wearing nothin' little and that muffin top you got goin' on IS NOT something anybody wants to see....but the shoes with the fish, oh yeah. I'm so getting a pair of those shoes. OH....I don't plan to wear them but they would look so cool on my desk right next to my drum sticks and plastic dog doo.

OH...THAT was a compliment!

2008-07-05T17:37:00.003-04:00

Polly, Katy, Matthew and I stopped at the local Claire's store because...well, because Polly has three daughters and it is required by law that we go to a Claire's store at least once a week to make sure we aren't running low on bling. After making a few selections (anything remotely related to Hannah Montana) we make the trek to the register to pay for our purchases. The young lady who was ringing up our merchandise overheard Polly call me Mom. Now, you have to read this with a southern accent to get the full effect. "Hey...she not be yer Mamma!?!" Polly assured her that yes I was her Mama. The clerk said, "Well, I ain't believing dat..dat woman don't got no wrinkles and anybody old enough to be your Mamma usually looks lak a pure hot mess." Hmmm, I'm not sure Polly came out as well as I did in this discussion but it sure gave us a good laugh.

Forgetful?

2008-07-04T11:08:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I am forgetful but nothing like my friend Sherry. I have forgotten to pay a traffic ticket, jury duty (ONE time!), meetings or a birthday now and then but when I talked to Sherry last night she told me she was dizzy and not feeling well. I showed the proper concern, asked what was wrong and her response blew me away. Sherry was dizzy because she had FORGOTTEN TO EAT. OK..I have forgotten to pay an electric or cable bill and one time (Polly, I am so sorry) I forgot to pickup one of the children from basketball practice. In my defense it was Gail's turn to pickup the girls and I had forgotten that we had traded days. But forget to eat??? Pffffftb......I don't think so.

Full Moon??

2008-07-03T14:42:00.002-04:00

My goodness...what is going on in my world? Normally I enjoy my job and sometimes (oh dear God, can't believe I'm saying this) I actually look forward to going to work. Well, this past week is about to cure that feeling. Everyone is on edge, TommyB is turning purple three or four times a day instead of his normal once or twice and we are all jumping down each others throats for no real reason. Stevens pants were unzipped most of the morning and did any of us discretely let him know?? OH HECK NO....not only did we not tell him but we were secretly chuckling and wondering what his reaction would be when he finally discovered that while he was trying to carry on a serious conversation Mr. Winky was ALMOST out the door. That is mean...just plain mean....and we didn't care! The whole week has been like this and I think it's probably a good thing most of the office will be out for a long weekend or it could turn really ugly back in the admin area.

Back To Bald Head Island

2008-06-29T21:53:00.003-04:00

I still say possession is 9/10's of the law but I did the right thing and put Sarah on the ferry so she can spend a few days with her cousins on Bald Head Island. However, that doesn't mean I didn't do a big pout. While we were at the ferry landing there was a nice breeze and the extra bonus were the dolphins swimming around the deck area. Bald Head is such a neat place and she loves being with her cousins so I know Sarah will have a great time but I wasn't ready to let her go. It was a lonely drive back to Myrtle Beach but I needed to get back for the last banquet of the weekend and honey, after the group was seated I came home and took a nap of epic proportions. Hopefully, after a good nights sleep I will be almost human again by morning. Well, let's not set our goals too high.

Loaves and Fishes

2008-06-28T06:26:00.003-04:00

It was a beautiful morning so Sarah and I talked TommyB into going with us to the beach and while grandma spent a couple of hours in her chair playing lifeguard while the two "kids" looked for sharks teeth and rode boogie boards. TommyB found several sharks teeth for Sarah to take home but Sarah and I decided the only way we would ever find one would be if the tooth were large enough to trip over. Maybe our forte is diamond hunting. After much needed showers we boiled shrimp and played Password until time to go work. The plan was (notice the WAS) to leave work around 7 PM, make a return trip to the Mirror Maze and top the evening off with a walk on the beach and collect more shells. Yeah, right. This group showed up with 25 more people than they gave a final count for sooooo from that point forward controlled chaos was the theme of the evening. Poor Sarah was put to work counting people, seating people, rolling silverware and listening to grandma gripe. We were finally able to walk out the door at 10 PM and decided we really really needed some dinner before bed. Well...paha! There was a bad accident on the entrance ramp to Hwy 17 and we sat in traffic for almost 45 minutes. We finally inched our way into California Dreaming's parking lot at 10:45 PM (they close at 11 so you know they were thrilled to see us) and begged to be fed. Ah yes, it was a night of fine cuisine as Sarah dined on a hot dog and french fries while I had the house salad which comes with one of their to die for homemade croissant rolls. I gave Sarah my roll and she decided they were so good we really really needed to bring two home for breakfast. Not exactly what we had planned for Sarah's last night in Myrtle Beach but guess what...we had fun anyway.

Thief!

2008-06-27T06:53:00.004-04:00

Sarah and I left work early this afternoon and went to Ocean Boulevard to check out the Mirror Maze, Motion Master and Haunted Adventure. Sarah loved the Mirror Maze and Motion Master...the Haunted Adventure, not so much. We met our friend Kim who went with us and thank goodness she did because I have a sneaking suspicion Sarah and I would still be stuck in the Haunted Adventure as about halfway through Sarah was done with that place, not taking another step...it was OVER. Kim is the manager of the Boulevard properties and very kindly showed us a way out. We didn't even care that the employees call it the CHICKEN EXIT as by that time our pride was long gone. We came home put on our bathing suits, picked up TommyB and headed to the beach to look for sharks teeth. There was a beautiful sunset, nice breeze, warm water but I swear that beach was smooth as velvet. Not a sharks tooth to be found and very few shells. It dawned on us this afternoon that Sarah has been here for several days and we have not been to Krispy Kream yet...say it isn't so??!! TommyB, Sarah and I decided we NEEDED doughnuts so on the way home we went through the drive through (yep, the HOT light was on, duh) and got a dozen for TommyB and a dozen for us. Sarah was in the backseat holding both boxes and the oddest thing happened. When we arrived home our dozen was intact but that darned Krispy Kream shorted TommyB as he only had 11 doughnuts in his box! It is so hard to get good employees these days and we plan to call the company first thing tomorrow morning.

Beach Renourishment

2008-06-26T13:19:00.004-04:00

I would like to offer a public apology to citizens of the great state of South Carolina concerning the sudden desperate need for beach renourishment. The good news is the sand isn't really missing and can be retrieved from the floorboard of my car, entry hall and bathroom floors. While we are on the subject of beach renourishment I need to vent. I don't understand why we allow building houses, condos or hotels right smack dab on the beach. We can continue hauling sand till the cows come home but guess what...one good storm and you are right back where you started except a lot poorer and Mother Nature wins every single time. We lived oceanfront for several years and while I appreciated the rest of the state contributing to the care and upkeep of my back yard I still thought it was a total waste of tax money as the shoreline is constantly changing. Bet you can guess how popular I was with the neighbors. Ya'll have a great day, Miss Sarah and I are going to the beach and then (drum roll please) out for LOBSTER and CRAB LEGS!

It's a GIRL!

2008-06-25T06:58:00.005-04:00

Shhhh....Polly doesn't know this yet but I am keeping Sarah. Not only is Sarah a delightful child BUT she does chores! We spent the afternoon at the beach and managed not to get sunburned which was a first for one of Polly's children. Polly we love you, really we do but when you have children who spend 10 months of the year in the great frozen north you have to e-a-s-e them into the 90+ temps and bright sunshine rather than spray them down with Pam and flip them over hourly. After showers and cool drinks Sarah and Morty played with the doll house the rest of the afternoon or maybe I should say Sarah TRIED to play with the doll house while Morty was determined to be IN the doll house, knocking over furniture, laying on the little people and generally being a pain. About 6PM we decided it was time for dinner and wouldn't you know that was the same time 100,000 tourists decided they were ready to eat too. After a brief discussion of favorites we headed to Planet Hollywood. The hostess told us there was a 90 minute wait sooooo I asked if my friend Debbie was on property. Even though Debbie had left for the day we were seated immediately... which I am sure pleased the people who were still waiting to no end. Thank you Debbie...I owe ya one! After dinner Sarah and I went back to the beach, waded in the surf, talked nonstop and watched the pink sunset reflected on the water. Perfect end to a perfect day.

A great lady was laid to rest today.

2008-06-24T05:44:00.002-04:00

My children will vouch for my ability to hang onto favorite clothes items way past their prime. There was a kelly green sweatshirt, a particular pair of kakhi pants and OH...my white sail cloth pants all come to mind and I'm sure there were others that I have forgotten about. Well, today was a particularly sad day as Bloomie bit the dust. Yes, it's true...Bloomie is no longer with us. Bloomie was 20 years old, incredibly soft and hot pink with BLOOMINGDALES in rainbow colors blazed across my bosom. Bloomie was purchased in NYC by a former boyfriend of Eddie's and she served me well over the years. I knew Bloomie's days were numbered when I pulled her out of the washer last week and she had developed a slight hole under her left arm and yes, I did shed a tear. However, this week the "slight hole" was larger than the neck opening and that was when I knew it was finally over for Bloomie. Rest well my friend, you served me well and you will be missed.

Rainy Day

2008-06-21T12:30:00.003-04:00

When I woke up at 6 this morning (and why why why don't I reserve that for work days??) I heard rolling thunder. My first thought was some poor tourist is listening to this too and wondering what the heck they are going to do with four kids who have been counting the days until they get to go to the beach. Then I thought...well, it sucks to be them but I LOVE rainy mornings, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Jannyland

2008-06-19T07:39:00.003-04:00

I'm not a rainbow shooting out my butt, roses and sunshine 24/7 kinda gal but I do try to focus on the positive. It has been brought to my attention that because of this trait I must live in a mythical place called Jannyland. I don't know...maybe that is true but I do know Jannyland is a very happy place and you are welcome to come visit anytime. Just be nice or I will pinch your little head right off at the shoulders.